Category Archives: Lifestyle

“I Won’t”: Wedzillas

It’s been a while, dear readers, but I can’t resist sharing the ultimate (IMHO) tacky story: couples who ask guests to pay to attend their wedding! And not pocket change, mind you, we’re talking major bucks.

Whatever happened to a meaningful and personal experience, vs an opportunity to show off for one’s friends/family/Instagram?!? Emily Post would be horrified. Read on, and do share your opinion: Is this ever ok?

Rows of empty white chairs on the grass, shot from last row to front row, with pink and white wedding bouquets tied to top corners of aisle seats. The photo blurs as it reaches the altar and ocean beyond it in the distance.
With many guests already spending hundreds of dollars to attend a wedding, some experts say that requiring an entrance fee to your nuptials is in poor taste. Credit…Getty Images

[from the NY Times, by Sadiba Hasan]

Planning a wedding has become so expensive that some couples are asking their guests to pay to attend their special day.

Hassan Ahmed, 23, is charging his guests $450 for a ticket to his wedding next year in Houston, where he lives. Mr. Ahmed said he hadn’t heard back from many of his 125 wedding guests. But he has already spent over $100,000 on the wedding, including deposits for the venue, the D.J. and the photographer. In a video on TikTok, he said he was confused by the response, noting that many of his guests had spent more money on Beyoncé or Chris Brown tickets.

According to a study by the wedding planning website the Knot, the average cost of a wedding ceremony and reception in 2023 was $35,000 — an increase of $5,000 from the year before. The Knot surveyed about 10,000 couples who had married in the United States in 2023.

But the approach of selling tickets to a wedding has mostly upset guests, many of whom have expressed the opinion that it is in poor taste for the couple to put their financial burden onto their guests and that there are more cost-effective ways for couples to have a wedding.

Matthew Shaw, the founder of Sauveur, a wedding planning company in London, said that selling tickets “introduces a strange relationship between you and your guests, turning your guests into customers.”

He added, “You’re no longer hosting — you’re offering them a paid experience, which introduces a very different narrative in terms of what guests are expecting.”

Though the cost of having a wedding is increasing, Mr. Shaw added: “I think there’s this assumption that we must have these big weddings. You can have really magical scaled-back and simpler celebrations, or more intimate and fewer guests. When we all went through the pandemic, we found other ways to celebrate.”

The cost of being a guest is also becoming more expensive. The average cost of attending a wedding is $580, according to a 2023 study by the Knot, which surveyed 1,000 people who had attended a wedding in the previous year. That was an increase of $120 compared with 2021.

Nova Styles and Reemo Styles, who were married at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York in June 2023, charged guests $333 and sold all their tickets.

The couple, who live on the Upper East Side, said they had not charged guests to cover the cost of their wedding, which was upward of $70,000; rather, they had needed to winnow their guest list down significantly.

The couple hired a double-decker bus that took guests to New York landmarks that were significant in their love story. The first stop was the legal ceremony at the cathedral. Other stops included Hudson Yards, where Mr. Styles, 31, proposed, and the 42nd Street AMC theater, where they played a video of their journey together. The final stop was the reception, which was held at a private event space on the 102nd floor at the One World Observatory.

The couple originally had a 350-person guest list, but the bus had space for only 60 people. “It was stressful,” Mr. Styles said. “We had to figure out a way for them to choose us, because we can’t choose them.”

Ms. Styles added, “We wanted people who really wanted to be there.” They felt that the ticket system was the best way to do it.

Lola Marie, 41, a close friend of the couple who paid the $333 ticket price, was at first confused when she received the invitation.

“I was definitely hesitant,” Ms. Marie said. “I was shocked. ‘Pay for a wedding? I never heard nothing like that. That sounds crazy. Who y’all think y’all are?’”

She called the couple, and once they explained their reasoning for selling tickets to their wedding, she understood. She decided to pay immediately after the call.

“It was worth more than $333,” Ms. Marie said, adding that she knew the couple’s intention was not to make money from their guests. She said she had a lot of fun celebrating and would have paid much more for the steak and lobster dinner at the top of One World Trade Center, with stunning views of the city and a surprise performance by the rapper Fabolous.

Jamie Wolfer, the founder of Wolfer & Co., a wedding planning company in Waco, Texas, said that while she understood that each couple would have a unique situation, generally, charging guests for tickets “really does kind of feel like a social faux pas” that can lead to conflicts between couples and their guests.

Mr. Shaw added that he could see a situation where couples ask guests to throw in $50 because times are tough, or a request for cash gifts. “But this is serious money people are asking,” he said.

Sadiba Hasan reports on love and culture for the Styles section of The Times. 

The Bleeping Truth

This article brightened my freakin’ morning; enjoy!

Why swearing is a sign of intelligence, helps manage pain and more

By Sandee LaMotte, CNN

Swearing can be associated with social intelligence, some experts say.

Max Pepper/CNN

Polite society considers swearing to be a vulgar sign of low intelligence and education, for why would one rely on rude language when blessed with a rich vocabulary?

That perception, as it turns out, is full of, uh … baloney. In fact, swearing may be a sign of verbal superiority, studies have shown, and may provide other possible rewards as well.

“The advantages of swearing are many,” said Timothy Jay, professor emeritus of psychology at the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts, who has studied swearing for more than 40 years.

“The benefits of swearing have just emerged in the last two decades as a result of a lot of research on brain and emotion, along with much better technology to study brain anatomy.”

1. Cursing may be a sign of intelligence

Well-educated people with plenty of words at their disposal, a 2015 study found, were better at coming up with curse words than those who were less verbally fluent.

Participants were asked to list as many words that start with F, A or S in one minute. Another minute was devoted to coming up with curse words that start with those three letters. The study found those who came up with the most F, A and S words also produced the most swear words.

That’s a sign of intelligence “to the degree that language is correlated with intelligence,” said Jay, who authored the study. “People that are good at language are good at generating a swearing vocabulary.”

Swearing can also be associated with social intelligence, Jay added.

“Having the strategies to know where and when it’s appropriate to swear, and when it’s not,” Jay said, “is a social cognitive skill like picking the right clothes for the right occasion. That’s a pretty sophisticated social tool.”

2. Swearing may be a sign of honesty

Science has also found a positive link between profanity and honesty. People who cursed lied less on an interpersonal level, and had higher levels of integrity overall, a series of three studies published in 2017 found.

“When you’re honestly expressing your emotions with powerful words, then you’re going to come across as more honest,” said Jay, who was not involved in the studies.

While a higher rate of profanity use was associated with more honesty, the study authors cautioned that “the findings should not be interpreted to mean that the more a person uses profanity, the less likely he or she would engage in more serious unethical or immoral behaviors.”

3. Profanity improves pain tolerance

And swearing doesn’t just help your endurance: If you pinch your finger in the car door, you may well feel less pain if you say ‘s**t” instead of “shoot.”

People on bikes who swore while pedaling against resistance had more power and strength than people who used “neutral” words, studies have shown.

Research also found that people who cursed while squeezing a hand vice were able to squeeze harder and longer.

Spouting obscenities doesn’t just help your endurance: If you pinch your finger in the car door, you may well feel less pain if you say “sh*t” instead of “shoot.”

Another study found people who cursed as they plunged their hand into icy water felt less pain and were able to keep their hands in the water longer than those who said a neutral word.

“The headline message is that swearing helps you cope with pain,” said psychologist Richard Stephens, the lead author of the three studies. Stephens researches swearing at the Psychobiology Research Laboratory at Keele University in Staffordshire, England.

Stephens says it works like this: swearing produces a stress response that initiates the body’s ancient defensive reflex. A flush of adrenaline increases heart rate and breathing, prepping muscles for fight or flight.

Simultaneously, there is another physiological reaction called an analgesic response, which makes the body more impervious to pain.

“That would make evolutionary sense because you’re going to be a better fighter and better runner if you’re not being slowed down by concerns about pain,” Stephens said.

“So it seems like by swearing you’re triggering an emotional response in yourself, which triggers a mild stress response, which carries with it a stress-induced reduction in pain,” he added.

Careful, however, the next time you decide to extend your workout by swearing. Curse words lose their power over pain when they are used too much, research has also discovered.

Some of us get more out of swearing than others. Take people who are more afraid of pain, called “catastrophizers.”

“The research found men who were lower catastrophizers seemed to get a benefit from swearing, whereas men who are higher catastrophizers didn’t,” Stephens said. “Whereas with women there wasn’t any difference.”

4. Cussing is a sign of creativity

Swearing appears to be centered in the right side of the brain, the part people often call the “creative brain.”

“We do know patients who have strokes on the right side tend to become less emotional, less able to understand and tell jokes, and they tend to just stop swearing even if they swore quite a lot before,” said Emma Byrne, author of “Swearing Is Good for You.”

Research on swearing dates back to Victorian times, when physicians discovered that patients who lost their ability to speak could still curse.

“They swore incredibly fluently,” Byrne said. “Childhood reprimands, swear words and terms of endearment — words with strong emotional content learned early on tend to be preserved in the brain even when all the rest of our language is lost.”

5. Throwing expletives instead of punches

Why do we choose to swear? Perhaps because profanity provides an evolutionary advantage that can protect us from physical harm, Jay said.

“A dog or a cat will scratch you, bite you when they’re scared or angry,” he said. “Swearing allows us to express our emotions symbolically without doing it tooth and nail.

“In other words, I can give somebody the finger or say f**k you across the street. I don’t have to get up into their face.”

Cursing then becomes a remote form of aggression, Jay said, offering the chance to express feelings quickly while hopefully avoiding repercussions.

“The purpose of swearing is to vent my emotion, and there’s an advantage in that it allows me to cope,” he said. “And then it communicates very readily to bystanders what my emotional state is. It has that advantage of emotional efficiency — it’s very quick and clear.”

A universal language

What makes the use of naughty words so powerful? The power of the taboo, of course. That reality is universally recognized: Just about every language in the world contains curse words.

“It seems that as soon as you have a taboo word, and the emotional insight that the word is going to cause discomfort for other people, the rest seems to follow naturally,” Byrne said.

It’s not just people who swear. Even primates curse when given the chance.

“Chimpanzees in the wild tend to use their excrement as a social signal, one that’s designed to keep people away,” Byrne said.

Hand-raised chimps who were potty-trained learned sign language for “poo” so they could tell their handlers when they needed the toilet.

“Chimpanzees in the wild tend to use their excrement as a social signal, one that’s designed to keep people away,” Byrne said. “And as soon as they learned the poo sign they began using it like we do the word s**t.”

Does that mean that we should curse whenever we feel like it, regardless of our environment or the feelings of others? Of course not. But at least you can cut yourself some slack the next time you inadvertently let an f-bomb slip.

After all, you’re just being human.

Valentines, and Other Commercial Holidays

I’m not a big fan of manufactured holidays that are all about overpriced flowers, chocolate, restaurant meals, and other so-called expressions of devotion.

Instead, may I propose a few alternatives:

Pizza Day: Celebrating one of the great food inventions of the century

Good Hair Day: Get out and about, knowing you look amazing

Junk Food Day: Pick your poison and indulge without judgement

Trashy Novel Day: Curl up with something absolutely superficial

I-Found-My-Keys Day: (Includes those reading glasses located atop one’s head). Celebrate by going somewhere you’d otherwise have to walk to

Favorite Movie Day: In our house, this is a multi-month tradition, with Dear Husband insisting we watch Four Weddings and a Funeral, Casablanca, or North by Northwest every time he spies them

New Socks Day: Does anyone know why socks always wear out at the heel, even expensive ones? Argh.

I’m-Really-Not-Sick-Sick Day: ‘Nuff said.

Manicurist Day: Doesn’t he or she deserve special recognition for keeping us presentable?

Purge Day: Clean your closets, toss or donate your crap, and then buy something new and fabulous

Happy Valentine’s Day to you, dear readers! xoxo

Photo by Muffin Creatives on Pexels.com

The Road Trip That Wasn’t

For weeks, I’d been dreading this: several days in Austin to clear out our remaining belongings — we’d sold the house in late March –, sell two cars, close our safe deposit box, and then drive 3-4 days back to Oregon.

Luckily, we were able to accomplish said tasks quickly, ship the boxes instead of loading them into our Titanic-sized, impossible-to-park rental car, and fly back instead. As I’ve often remarked, there is almost no problem that can’t be solved by throwing money at it. (Though, to digress, this apparently hasn’t worked for Bill and Melinda Gates.)

This allowed us time to visit with family and friends and reflect on some of the unexpected pleasures of dining out during a pandemic.

Pandemic Travel 2.0

  • Waitstaff no longer hover over your table, telling you their life story (“Hi, I’m Bruce and I’ll be your server tonight, although I’m really an actor and I’ve written this cool sci-fi script…”).
  • Table spacing makes for a much quieter experience. You might even be able to hear your own conversation.
  • Maybe it’s an illusion, but everything just seems cleaner.
  • Silverware arrives wrapped in a napkin, rather than having been sitting out on the table.
  • Many restaurants have streamlined their menus, so the choices are better thought-out and fresher.
  • People are too far away to eavesdrop.

As for air travel,

  • Fewer travelers = speedier security. They sure want you to keep moving.
  • Nobody seems to worry about liquids anymore.
  • Better filtration = less chance of catching a cold or flu, never mind COVID.
  • Even anti-maskers have to wear one.
  • A discreet cough or two (into your mask of course) and no one will attempt to ask what you’re reading or whether you live at your destination.
  • Fewer travelers = less luggage. For the first time in recent memory, our checked bags were already at the carousel by the time we arrived at baggage claim.

Woo hoo — home sweet (temporary) home in one day, not four. So what if we’ll have to load 17 boxes into our car and lug them to a new (also temporary) storage unit; the kids can sort out our crap when we cross the rainbow bridge!

Photo by Benjamin Suter on Pexels.com

Good News Monday: Tales from the Dark Side

They say laughter is the best medicine. (And possibly our only one until we get a reliable vaccine.) Luckily, this pandemic has some upsides. Let’s call them “coronadvantages”:

  1. Crime deterrent:  Only a fool would break into a house without knowing if its inhabitants were infected. Plus, they’re probably home
  2. Ivanka’s shoes (made in China) might finally go out of business
  3. You now have the perfect excuse to avoid just about anything
  4. West Coasters have something to take our minds off worrying about The Big One
  5. There’s no shame in being a hypochodriac
  6. Terrorists may think twice:  No large gatherings = no large targets
  7. Your neighbors will stop hosting loud parties
  8. Working in pajamas
  9. Alcohol kills germs; ergo, vodka surely has medicinal properties
  10. A new appreciation for canned goods
  11. It’s far less likely your significant other will cheat on you

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Shopping Frenzy

My inbox is shrieking with Black Friday this, Cyber Monday that — all the bargains we have to have NOW! Because they’re GOING FAST! In a sale I WON’T WANT TO MISS!

The urgency is terrifying.

Here’s what I’d like to see reduced for the holidays at a new, LOW! LOW! PRICE — for all of us:

  1. The cable bill
  2. Property taxes
  3. Medical fees
  4. Legal fees
  5. The phone bill
  6. Utilities
  7. Insurance: car, homeowners’, medical, dental, you name it

And I don’t mean some temporary, lull-me-into-thinking-it’s-forever, special short-term deal; I want to see a minimum 50% off.  Is that too much to ask?!?

Guess I will have to settle for a new pair of boots, a replacement for my worn-out black cashmere cardigan, and my favorite about-to-be-discontinued lipstick. Sigh.

Are you shopping the sales? Finding some good bargains? Do share!

paper bags near wall

Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

 

Good News Monday: It’s Now Legal to Grow Hemp

Well, sort of.

Back in December, President Trump signed the bipartisan 2018 Congressional Farm Bill, which treats hemp as an agricultural commodity and removes it from the Drug Enforcement Agency’s list of schedule 1 drugs.

However, the Farm Bill also empowers states to regulate (or ban) the production and sale of hemp within their borders.

Anyone who follows US politics will not be surprised by the inconsistency.

 

Good News Monday: Monotony Helps People Lose Weight.

Well, maybe.  The general idea is that eating the same thing every day emphasizes food as nutrition, not entertainment.  When meals are less exciting, we’re less likely to overeat.

The caveat: mix it up to avoid both nutritional deficiencies and bingeing when the boredom gets to be too much.

Here’s an interesting POV on the subject: https://www.healthline.com/health/eating-the-same-thing-pros-and-cons

 

Saving and Spending

A fun article; hope you can access it since some Wall Street Journal pieces are behind a firewall:  https://graphics.wsj.com/image-grid/OD50Spring2018/

And one on truly excessive excess, courtesy of my dear friend and fashion maven, SH.  Would be perfect for a certain President I can think of….

https://www.retaildive.com/news/retail-therapy-the-loo-uis-vuitton-is-here-to-flush-100k-down-the-toile/521780/

Hope you’re all having a great weekend! xo, A

Traveling With Others

Traveling with another person is the ultimate blind date. Do you like to do the same things? Are they overly assertive or passive compared to you? How would they handle a stressful situation?

With luck, you find a partner, spouse or friend whose rhythms match your own. But what about a trip with another couple, your extended family, or someone you don’t know well? That’s a real litmus test.

Mostly, I’ve had wonderful experiences. A trip to London with S forged a friendship that’s lasted for decades. DH and I took a European vacation early in our relationship and learned that we were able to cope when things didn’t go as planned. And our recent visit to Charleston was successful because my friend T and I talked frankly in advance about what we all wanted – or didn’t want – to do there.

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Other trips have been a challenge. Beware of these types of travelers!

The Sloppy Drunk. I’m all for having a good time. But when my ex-husband fell into the bushes after a booze cruise and had to be dragged out by a sailor I should have saluted that red flag and called off the wedding. Live and learn.

Druggie Howser. Similar to the Sloppy Drunk, Druggie will score whatever he can, wherever he travels. An ex-beau bought weed and hashish from a complete stranger when we were in Morocco in the 70’s… did ‘ya learn nothing from the movie Midnight Express??

Sir (or Lady) Bossypants has researched every heritage site, museum, etc. within an inch of its life and is a self-styled expert on all topics relating to the places they insist on dragging you to and Will. Not. Shut. Up. About.

The Slowpoke moves at a different – dare I say, glacial – pace. Unless you are a very patient person (unlike myself) this will drive you stark staring insane.

The Obsessive Planner follows a rigid schedule. By which I mean never, ever deviates from it. You’re enjoying chatting up the owner of a local art gallery? Too bad; gotta get to the next thing on the list. NOW.

Mr. Spontaneity, on the other hand, NEVER wants to plan ahead. You might arrive in another country without a hotel reservation, as happened to a friend of mine many years ago. In high season.

The Hysteric. S*** happens. Train schedules change. Planes get grounded. Connections get missed. Places are unexpectedly closed. You do not want to travel with someone who is totally unhinged by this. Trust me.

Morning vs Night. My father was a morning person. My mother stayed up until 2 AM and slept until noon. On family trips, we had to squeeze all activities between 1:00 and 8:00 PM. Know which one you – and your traveling companions – are, and plan accordingly.

The Cheapskate. Bargain-hunter in the extreme. Will only eat street food, go to a museum on the one free day, stay at a Motel 6, or take the bus even though you risk arriving at your destination after closing.

Hey Big Spender. There are two subcategories: Ms. Moneybags (who can afford it) and Mr. Moocher (money is no object because you’re footing the bill). Watch out for anyone who has no understanding of – or respect for – your finances.

Michelin Or Bust. Michelin-starred restaurants can be terrific — unless you have a sensitive stomach or wallet. Our last Michelin meal was so rich, both DH and I tossed our (artisanal) cookies within an hour of returning to our hotel room. Next time, we’ll suggest our friends dine alone, check out the simple place around the corner and meet up for an after-dinner coffee.

The Bottom Line: Pre-Planning

  • Discuss expectations and set ground rules in advance, even if it feels awkward. Especially if you’re traveling with another couple or someone you don’t know well.
  • Be honest about how you want to spend your time. Be open to compromise unless an activity will bore or annoy you. For example, don’t go shopping just because your friend loves it if you know you’ll hate every minute. A reluctant companion is no fun for either of you!
  • Benefit from others’ expertise. Some of our friends are serious foodies and love to research the newest or best-reviewed places in town. I’m happy to let them pick the restaurants since I don’t care all that much.
  • Eating out with others? Get separate checks. You won’t feel guilty if you have that extra drink or order something more expensive.
  • Travel with people who have similar resources. If you’re on a budget, make sure you don’t get sucked into spending outside your own comfort zone. On the other hand, if you always stay in a suite you may feel resentful if you get a standard room like theirs to be “polite”.

Enjoy traveling this big, wonderful world of ours!

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