Tag Archives: humor

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July to all in the US! This really, though, should be an international holiday.

Let’s declare July 4th to be Independence Day Worldwide. With independence from:

  • Bullying
  • Bigotry
  • Pettiness
  • Negativity
  • Intolerance
  • Humorlessness
  • Bad pizza
  • Bad hair days
  • Bad skin
  • Our exes
  • Know-It-Alls
  • Money worries
  • Indifference
  • Climate change denial
  • Holocaust denial
  • Bad grammar
  • Lack of imagination
  • Fear
  • Garden pests
  • Overpriced anything
  • Lousy service

I could go on and on…. what would you add?

Happy #IDW!

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Good News Monday: There’s Always Something

Strictly speaking, this may not qualify as “good news” but it’s too entertaining to pass up. Found on a random site that specializes in sensational stories.

Huh? Was the Snickers bar IN the bar? Keep laughing this week… it’s good news for your health!

The Longest Day

Happy Summer Solstice — the longest day of the year for those of us in the northern hemisphere.  What will you do with those extra moments of sunlight?

In case you’re curious, here’s an in-depth explanation of this annual event. But, really, the “longest day” is often in the mind of the beholder, depending on circumstances. These events should also qualify:

  • April 14, if you file your own taxes
  • When your flight is delayed, then switched to a new aircraft, and you find yourself sandwiched between two people who are a) portly, b) eating something smelly, or c) both
  • Waiting for the results of a medical test
  • Waiting on line anywhere — grocery store, drugstore drive-through, bank
  • Finals
  • Meeting your future in-laws for the first time
  • Interview Day
  • Giving a big presentation to new clients
  • Waiting (and waiting) for a service call: cable, appliance installation, telephone
  • Childbirth

Fortunately, these are offset by the wonderful long days you hold in your memory: that July afternoon when you were a kid and stayed all day at the beach; the day you got engaged, the morning after you got a decent night’s sleep after your baby finally slept through the night, etc.

Happy Summer!

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Kitchen Confessions

Live long enough, cook long enough, and you’re bound to make a few mistakes along the way.  Last week I may have surpassed myself.

Lately, I’ve been baking bread using a perforated double loaf pan.  They can be hard to clean, so instead of putting the dough directly on the pan I first place a sheet of parchment paper on top.  The paper tends to slide around, so I weigh each side down with something to keep it in place until the dough goes on it.

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For last week’s French bread, I weight one side with an apple and the other side with a paring knife until I’m ready to put my dough down on the paper-covered pan. I let them rise and bake as usual.

Both loaves of bread look good, although I do notice a groove on the bottom of one loaf when I take them off the paper to cool.

Cue the music: “Dumb, da dumb dumb”….

I remove the paper and discover my paring knife… not in the bread, but under the paper, melted directly onto the loaf pan where it is stuck for all eternity! Of course, my loaf pan/knife combo has to be thrown away and both items replaced ASAP.

I still can’t figure out how this happened.

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Good News Monday: Music Helps Preemies Build Better Brains

Scientists have learned what India’s snake charmers have known for years: flute music has calming properties. But it’s not just about stress relief: hearing certain instruments actually improved brain function in premature babies.

Quick — someone please commission this composer to create music for our government buildings!

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Good News Monday: DGAS, a Benefit of Aging

There may not be a scientific study (yet) but I’m convinced there’s a provable curve between increased age and the condition DGAS (Don’t Give a S***).

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When we’re younger, we obsess over how we’re perceived at work and in our social lives. Do people like us, respect us, take us seriously, etc.? Is that compliment sincere, or does he/she just want to get into our pants? (And are said pants a size or two larger than they ought to be?)

The beauty of getting older is that, frankly, there are very few people whose opinions actually matter to us.  Yeah, we go through the motions and attempt to interact with people we basically can’t stand, but our universe of those we care about is subject to more important criteria than “What can you do for me?” or “Are you hot?”

For those of us who are shy about making new acquaintances, this might translate as: You seem nice and it might be fun to have lunch or share an activity and see if there’s more of a connection, so I’ll proffer an invite.

If you respond, great. If you don’t, well, life will go on and a year from now I won’t remember your name because, frankly, I can barely remember where I left my car keys.

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By this age, I have no patience for anyone who is faking it, on the make, or desperately lonely.  But I’m really excited to make friends with people with whom I share common interests, philosophies, or enthusiasm for 1) good food, 2) good wine, or 3) nice handbags.

Do we become more intolerant as we get older? Or do we become more discerning? I’d like to think it’s the latter. Or maybe it’s the same thing.

What do YOU think, dear readers?

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And the Oscar Goes to…

Yay, it’s the Academy Awards! — the ultimate insider spectacle where overpaid actors dress up in borrowed finery to congratulate each other for winning a trophy that will boost their income by several zillion on every subsequent film.

Back in the days before high-priced stylists and a “tightly scripted” 3-hour-plus running time, the Oscars were much more fun. (Who can forget,”You like me, you really like me!”)

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Nowadays, it’s all so predictable; no one-handed pushups or wardrobe malfunctions. Meh.

I’d much prefer to recognize the acting that goes on in everyday life. So here are this year’s nominees for Best Performance:

The maître d’: “Mais non, monsieur… the best tables are always next to the kitchen.”

The neighbor’s kid: “That window was already broken before my ball reached it.”

The dinner guest: “Mmm, this octopus-banana-zucchini casserole is really… creative.”

The colleague: “Your idea is so much better than mine!”

The hairdresser: “You’re not going grey. Those are silver highlights.”

The HR manager: “Nobody got a raise this year.”

The dry cleaner: “This shirt was missing buttons when it came in.”

The friend: “My skin secret? Just sunblock. I’d never even consider Botox!”

The delivery service: “We’re sorry we missed you.”

The spouse: “You’re as beautiful as the day we met.”

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Cue the orchestra!