Tag Archives: humor

Good News Monday: DGAS, a Benefit of Aging

There may not be a scientific study (yet) but I’m convinced there’s a provable curve between increased age and the condition DGAS (Don’t Give a S***).

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When we’re younger, we obsess over how we’re perceived at work and in our social lives. Do people like us, respect us, take us seriously, etc.? Is that compliment sincere, or does he/she just want to get into our pants? (And are said pants a size or two larger than they ought to be?)

The beauty of getting older is that, frankly, there are very few people whose opinions actually matter to us.  Yeah, we go through the motions and attempt to interact with people we basically can’t stand, but our universe of those we care about is subject to more important criteria than “What can you do for me?” or “Are you hot?”

For those of us who are shy about making new acquaintances, this might translate as: You seem nice and it might be fun to have lunch or share an activity and see if there’s more of a connection, so I’ll proffer an invite.

If you respond, great. If you don’t, well, life will go on and a year from now I won’t remember your name because, frankly, I can barely remember where I left my car keys.

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By this age, I have no patience for anyone who is faking it, on the make, or desperately lonely.  But I’m really excited to make friends with people with whom I share common interests, philosophies, or enthusiasm for 1) good food, 2) good wine, or 3) nice handbags.

Do we become more intolerant as we get older? Or do we become more discerning? I’d like to think it’s the latter. Or maybe it’s the same thing.

What do YOU think, dear readers?

ask blackboard chalk board chalkboard

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And the Oscar Goes to…

Yay, it’s the Academy Awards! — the ultimate insider spectacle where overpaid actors dress up in borrowed finery to congratulate each other for winning a trophy that will boost their income by several zillion on every subsequent film.

Back in the days before high-priced stylists and a “tightly scripted” 3-hour-plus running time, the Oscars were much more fun. (Who can forget,”You like me, you really like me!”)

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Nowadays, it’s all so predictable; no one-handed pushups or wardrobe malfunctions. Meh.

I’d much prefer to recognize the acting that goes on in everyday life. So here are this year’s nominees for Best Performance:

The maître d’: “Mais non, monsieur… the best tables are always next to the kitchen.”

The neighbor’s kid: “That window was already broken before my ball reached it.”

The dinner guest: “Mmm, this octopus-banana-zucchini casserole is really… creative.”

The colleague: “Your idea is so much better than mine!”

The hairdresser: “You’re not going grey. Those are silver highlights.”

The HR manager: “Nobody got a raise this year.”

The dry cleaner: “This shirt was missing buttons when it came in.”

The friend: “My skin secret? Just sunblock. I’d never even consider Botox!”

The delivery service: “We’re sorry we missed you.”

The spouse: “You’re as beautiful as the day we met.”

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Cue the orchestra!

 

The Ballad of a Thousand Boxes

IMG-1053Do you remember moving into your first apartment? Mine was a dark, tiny, one-bedroom in Springfield, Missouri – notable for its cheap rent and even cheaper-looking olive green shag carpeting on the walls as well as the floor. (Even for the 70’s this was mind-bendingly ugly.)

But it was my first post-college job and I was thrilled to be on my own.

Moving in those days was much easier.

  • We had friends to haul stuff and we paid them in beer or cheap wine — not the price of a European vacation.
  • I had more energy than possessions.
  • An old orange crate made a perfectly acceptable coffee table.
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Having just moved again for the umpteenth – and hopefully, last – time, I’ve noticed:

  • It costs more to move across town than it used to cost moving across the country.
  • I have way too much crap, even after endless trips to Goodwill.
  • I have way less ability to carry said crap, especially up a flight of stairs.
  • Young people don’t seem to accumulate china and crystal.
  • The more stuff we have, the more storage we need.
  • One TV used to be sufficient. Now we all have multiple TVs, each with complicated hookups and several remotes that have to be housed somewhere. Not to mention computers.
  • Sunnier rooms reveal flaws and dings in furniture that used to look pretty decent.
  • Change is good, even when it’s painful. And it’s better to share that pain.
  • Rugs and wood floors look a lot better than shag carpet.

 

Thanks to Laura S. for suggesting this topic!

Downsize Abbey

Dear Clever Readers,

May I enlist your help with a creative challenge? DH and I are in the process of moving into our newly built, smaller home and it needs a name — something amusing that seems “fancy” and looks nice on cocktail napkins.

The house name should sound grand (because it  isn’t) with an element of tongue-in-cheek whimsy, along the lines of “Fawlty Towers.” Currently, the front runner is “Tiddly Manor.” FYI, the building style is Arts & Crafts, it has a tiny yard, and it’s more urban than rural or suburban.

Any ideas? You’ll win my undying gratitude plus a small prize, and of course your cleverness will be duly recognized in these pages. Thanks, and love, Alisa home-sweet-home-3104968_640

The 4 C’s of Travel… And an F

We all know about the 4 C’s for diamonds, but what about your vacation– possibly a diamond in the rough; hopefully, not a lump of coal!

Some factors we should consider are Cost, Climate, Compatibility (not just you and your companion; also you and your itinerary) and Comfortable Shoes.

Add to these, the F factor: flexibility.

As I wrote last week, DH and I found ourselves in a bit of a bind. We’d committed (and pre-paid, thank-you-very-much) to 3 weeks in a small cottage in North Devon. Which might have been lovely, except:

  1.  Cottage was too remote, with no phone service or Internet
  2. Cottage was eternally damp, due to being in a microclimate
  3. Cottage was not near ANYthing, necessitating lengthy drives along perilously narrow roads with locals who knew where they were going careening towards us at breakneck speed. DH was not amused.

We came back to the cottage one day last week (when once again the TV was on the blink) and had a heart-to-heart. The upshot: “We’re miserable, let’s get the hell out of here.”

First idea, since we’re due in London on the 31st: Pick somewhere else, e.g., Somerset or Salisbury, and go there. But then, a brainstorm: Why limit ourselves, if we’re leaving early anyway?? Where haven’t we been that would be a short flight away? And voila (sorry; can’t find accent marks in my iPad!), a new plan: tomorrow we’ll head to Copenhagen for 3.5 days, somewhere neither of us has been before and it’s been on our bucket list.

So. We’ve booked the hotel, gotten opera tickets (a shared passion), and done next to no research. BUT! It can’t be worse than sitting in that dreary cottage!  Right?!?

Flexibilty! Never feel you have to stick with a hotel, destination etc. if there’s any way you can afford to make  a change.

We may still want to kill each other after a month of togetherness, but at least it will be in a new setting.

Have  lovely week! Xx, Alisa

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Admit It: I’m Addicted to My Devices

DH and I had a genius plan that hasn’t QUITE worked out as imagined: (Has this ever happened to you?, she asks…)  Rent a house in the English countryside for a month and use it as a home base from which to explore, so as not to eat out every meal and be able to live more like locals.

The fly in the ointment is that our cozy little cottage has no WiFi, no phone signal, and a currently non-working television.  In an emergency we could use a provided key to unlock a landline in one of the outbuildings…. Somehow, this does not inspire confidence.

As a result, we can check e-mail, bank accounts, etc. only sporadically. I like to imagine I can do without these updates, as I survived many decades before we all had cell phones and iPads, but the pathetic truth is that I’ve become used to immediate access when I need a recipe, map, random facts, or an Amazon Prime download. And I like it that way.

My parents and grandparents used to fret about the “good old days” but when I look back, I see only major improvements since my youth. For instance:

1) Flat irons. Back in the sixties, if you wanted straight hair a la Francoise Hardy or Jean Shrimpton, you literally ironed it. With an actual iron and ironing board! The alternative was to wrap your hair around a giant beer or coffee can until it dried.

2) Microwaves. What a brilliant way to reheat coffee, let alone cook a potato. I truly don’t care if radioactive waves are shortening my life as long as I can have a hot cup on demand.

3) Google. I don’t begrudge one cent of the money those gazillionaires have made. Not having to go to the library or plow through 400 volumes of the encyclopedia when I want to know something is priceless.

4) 500+ TV channels. I may only watch three of them but I have OPTIONS, dammit!

5) GPS. Maps are great, but having a cheery voice tell you when to turn left or “recalculate” is infinitely better than hearing the same information from an exasperated spouse.

What mod cons do YOU depend on?

Happy weekend, all!