Tag Archives: humor

COVID-19 Spending and Saving

Perhaps the only upside to what I call the “pandammit” is that I’m not shopping like a drunken socialite, to quote my friend S. Which doesn’t mean I’ve stopped shopping altogether; it’s more that I’m buying different things.

Big-ticket items flew out the window as life got simpler and our activities remain close to home. Meanwhile, entire categories (hello, hand sanitizer) became essentials. What a topsy-turvy world! (Google reports that the expression “may be an adaptation of the medieval verb ‘tirve’, meaning ‘to turn or to topple over’. It has also been suggested that ‘turvy’ is an allusion to ‘turf’ and that ‘topsy-turvy’ means ‘with one’s head on the turf’.”) 

Spending more

  • Amazon – miscellaneous household items, esp. hard to get stuff
  • Whole Foods delivery in the early months
  • Fresh fruits and veggies from farmers’ market and small specialty grocers
  • Cooking gadgets
  • Wine and booze – do you even have to ask why?
  • TV streaming services
  • Zoom membership
  • Books
  • Vitamins, supplements, melatonin
  • Face masks — whoever predicted one would need a wardrobe of these?!
  • Cute socks
  • Cleaning supplies
  • Fresh flowers to maintain sanity and illusion of elegant living

Saving more

  • Makeup, especially lipstick – kind of pointless when wearing a mask, no?
  • Stylist – spreading out appointments and doing trimming/touch-ups myself until desperate
  • Pedicures – My toes are not worth dying for
  • Restaurants
  • New clothes – to go where, exactly?
  • Travel
  • Cultural events/theatre/opera tix
  • Massages and facials (see pedicure)

Yep, things are definitely tirving these days.

photo of inverted woman on wooden chair

Photo by Wendy Wei on Pexels.com

 

 

 

To Brie or Not to Brie

Armed with gloves, Purell and facemasks, we sallied forth this morning to explore the dangerous terrain of a grocery store.  Terra incognita for over a month, we’d finally caved to the need for items beyond Amazon’s ability to deliver.

First, a great deal of strategy was required.  The store needed to be overpriced and inconveniently located, so as to attract the fewest customers. The shopping list needed to be air tight, with no room for impulse buys or backtracking through aisles already traveled. All equipment needed to be checked in advance for pinholes through which sneaky microbes might invade. Sanitizer needed to be at the ready.  Ditto, credit card… no fumbling for cash.

Upon arrival, we spotted a few other intrepid souls, all great distances apart and moving cautiously.  We carefully stalked the produce section, standing well back to furtively scan the available items before plunging into the fray.  While no one seemed interested in artichokes, we did note a mysterious convergence in the imported cheese section.  Pasta was also dangerously populated and best avoided.

For approximately the price of a skydiving session, we completed our daring expedition and emerged triumphant with empty wallets and a full cart. I, for one, am exhausted by all this exertion and plan to take to my couch with the vapors.

As the famous Earl Nightingale quote has it: “Wherever there is danger, there lurks opportunity; whenever there is opportunity, there lurks danger.”  Hopefully, the crisis will be resolved soon.  There’s only so much excitement I can tolerate.

man standing on cliff

Photo by Juliano Ferreira on Pexels.com

Marriage, Pandemic Style

Ever wished your partner would spend more time with you? How quaint! This is the universe’s way of testing our relationships. And if the data from China is any indication, we’ll be seeing a wave of divorces once people can get to their lawyers.

Not me, though; one nasty divorce was enough for a lifetime. But since 24-hour togetherness  can strain any partnership, I’m trying to follow a few rules.

  1. Spend time apart.  Encourage separate activities to create some alone time; for instance, I’ll bake or write while my husband paints or works on his computer.  And if you live in a studio apartment, try to at least identify separate work spaces. With luck, this will give each of you something to talk about every evening besides the virus.
  2. Share a laugh: a book, video, joke, photo or film. We’ve just gone through all three Cage Aux Folles movies (note: the subtitled versions are funnier than the dubbed ones).
  3. Plan things to look forward to once life returns to normal — a trip, dinner at a special restaurant, going out with friends, etc.  Fantasizing encouraged.
  4. Connect with others.  We enjoyed a Zoom cocktail hour with two of our favorite couples the other night and are going to make this a regular routine.  Cheers!
  5. Make a big bowl of popcorn and find something fun on TV.  We’ve been watching old Nick and Nora movies from the ’30’s and adventure films such as the James Bond, Kingsman and Indiana Jones franchises.  Pretty much anything that bears no resemblance to today’s world is a good choice.
  6. Stop obsessing over the news.  It helps nothing and makes both parties depressed, which isn’t conducive to a happy home.  Being informed is one thing; worrying about anything outside your own control is counterproductive.
  7. Go for a walk.  It’s reassuring to see the flowers blooming and hear the birds chirping as if the whole world weren’t going to hell in a handbasket.
  8. Take deep breaths whenever your beloved is getting on your last nerve.

My mantra: “Whatever doesn’t make you want to kill your partner makes you stronger.”

two silver colored rings on beige surface

Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

Modern Definitions

OCD:  Washing your hands more often than every 5 minutes.  Every 6 minutes is normal.

Paranoia:  Believing that COVID-19 was caused by aliens, when everyone knows it’s Obama’s fault.

Restaurant: A place to get take-out.

Intimacy: When people are within 4-6 feet of each other.

Books: The new version of movies.

Toilet paper:  The protective layer between you and the known universe.

Kindergarten: When two or more politicians get together.

Vacation:  Your alone time in the bathroom.

Fast Food:  Getting in and out of the supermarket as quickly as possible.

Reality:  Fantasy.

joker illustration

Photo by BROTE studio on Pexels.com

 

Good News Monday: Tales from the Dark Side

They say laughter is the best medicine. (And possibly our only one until we get a reliable vaccine.) Luckily, this pandemic has some upsides. Let’s call them “coronadvantages”:

  1. Crime deterrent:  Only a fool would break into a house without knowing if its inhabitants were infected. Plus, they’re probably home
  2. Ivanka’s shoes (made in China) might finally go out of business
  3. You now have the perfect excuse to avoid just about anything
  4. West Coasters have something to take our minds off worrying about The Big One
  5. There’s no shame in being a hypochodriac
  6. Terrorists may think twice:  No large gatherings = no large targets
  7. Your neighbors will stop hosting loud parties
  8. Working in pajamas
  9. Alcohol kills germs; ergo, vodka surely has medicinal properties
  10. A new appreciation for canned goods
  11. It’s far less likely your significant other will cheat on you

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Pandemic Chic

March is usually a wonderful time of year for those of us who love fashion. The magazines and runway reports are bursting with inspiration, and we’re ready to do a little shopping and look forward to wearing our new acquisitions.

Not these days, though.  Where are we going to wear a dazzling dress or sexy shoes?

For anyone still craving that undeniable lift, why not order a new pair of sensual silk pajamas in which to lounge around all Nick-and-Nora-Charles and pretend it’s a simpler time while sipping your Quarantini*?

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 (per Reddit.com)    *Shout out to Betsy xoxo.

Toss in some maribou-trimmed slippers, while you’re at it.

Since we’ve had to cancel our trip to London — so disappointing — I’m consoling myself with possibly the world’s most glamourous lipstick.  Admittedly pricey for a lipstick, but pretty reasonable for Hermès and totally fabulous.

The refillable case, designed by Pierre Hardy, is lacquered, polished, brushed metal that closes with the solid click of a luxury automobile.

I’m determined to wear this, even if it’s only for my own sanity.

And if all else fails …

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Priorities

In the midst of gloom, doom and general mayhem, I read something yesterday that provided a glimmer of humor.

Apparently observed amidst the panicky consumers laying siege to groceries, pharmacies and big box stores: a man stocking up on 16 boxes of condoms and a large tub of coconut oil.

When the apocalypse comes?

silhouette photo of man leaning on heart shaped tree

Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

My Way or the Highway

Is there any household disagreement more common than, “Is it better to wash dishes by hand, or use the dishwasher?” (Well, maybe, “Does the toilet paper roll go paper side over or under?” As it happens, the patented tp holder was designed to be paper side over. Now you know!)

Being curious, as saving water is a topic around our house, I did some research.

In this fun, independent test, the participants compared using the dishwasher (a popular Bosch model) vs. soaking everything in hot, soapy water vs. handwashing each item one at a time.

The results confirmed what I suspected.

Regardless of method, when you hand wash, you use 3.5-5 times more water than a dishwasher. Not to mention the energy used to heat that water, or how much time you waste standing at the sink.

The more dishes you wash, the more water you waste.

person washing his hand

Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

You might think that dishwashers fill up to the top with water, or spray a constant stream of fresh water. They don’t.

Modern dishwashers reuse water throughout the cleaning process, utilizing a system of pumps, sprays and jets. Clean water is only used at the very beginning and for the final rinse. During the rest of the cycle, the water is filtered and heated for maximum cleaning.

If you’re a dishwasher fan, now you have some science to back you up when the subject gets, er, heated.