Tag Archives: funny

Marriage: Live, Learn, and Prosper

For my stepdaughter’s upcoming bachelorette weekend, attendees have been asked to offer a piece of marriage advice. Below are some observations to ponder, serious and otherwise.

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  • “A wedding may require a team of professionals; a marriage only requires two amateurs.”
  • “It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~Rita Rudner
  • “In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar. They still are.”
  • “Marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
  • “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
    ~Benjamin Franklin”
  • “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
    ~Ogden Nash
  • “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” ~Anne Bancroft
  • “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again.”

On a less-snarky note, the following is a good checklist for how to get along in any long-term partnership. Condensed here, so click for the full article.

Remember Your Commitment
Life is busy and unpredictable. You both signed up to ride together during whatever comes your way. A foundation of love and caring helps you get through the tough times.

Assume the Best of One Another
Unless you’re married to a total rotter, your partner probably means the best. Even if they piss you off — and they will — their intentions were likely pure. So, as a general rule, assume you both have each other’s best interests in mind. (Unless proven otherwise.)

Don’t Ever Stop Trying
Make the commitment to keep being generous, showing appreciation, and saying thank you more than you probably are. Being taken for granted is never sexy.

Stop Stonewalling
This is the act of shutting down during an argument. The person stonewalling stops responding and maintains a calm exterior, which tells their partner that they don’t care at all about what they’re saying. What to do instead? Ask for a break. Then return to the discussion — sooner rather than later — when you’re ready.

Communicate Respectfully
Argue and attack the issues at hand without getting defensive, digging up the past and throwing it in the other’s face, dismissing a partner’s experience, or any other caustic habit.

Always Be Flexible
Life’s full of surprises, not always pleasant ones. A couple’s ability to ‘go with the flow’ – especially when it’s dramatically different from what they expected – gives them the opportunity to learn new skills and get to know each other in ways they might never have known before.

Curiosity Saves Couples
Your partner will likely change over time, so being open to the ways in which he or she changes can allow you to identify the ways you’ve changed as well. Shared curiosity — learning a new skill, hobby, traveling, etc. — creates new opportunities to bond.

Be Willing to Grow and Learn
Everyone screws up, says dumb things, gets stuff wrong. It’s all about how people react that defines a relationship. Being willing to admit mistakes, and apologize sincerely, is an important key in creating a deeper bond with your partner.

Stop Invalidating
This type of belittling can be incredibly destructive to a relationship, implying that what they’re doing or saying means they must be either crazy, stupid, or some combination of the two. It can happen in a quick, almost casual manner (“That’s ridiculous”), or it can be passive-aggressive, telling a partner how they should react before you even speak (“Don’t freak out, but I have to tell you something…”). Marriages thrive on mutual trust, respect, and security. Without this, the relationship will eventually corrode.

Prioritize Sex and Date Nights
When you’re busy, this means putting it on a schedule and sticking to it. Like other self-care activities (e.g., going to the gym) if you don’t block time out in your schedule, it’s not going to happen. Especially if you have young kids.

Get on the Same Page
Whether it’s how and what involvement the in-laws will have, how many activities the kids should participate in, or even when/if to have children, having the same priorities builds trust and reduces stress.

Learn How to Move On From Arguments
Disagreement is unavoidable in any marriage — as are spats, snipes, and all-out fights. “It’s important to talk about what happened afterward and own your part,” says one marriage and family therapist.

Laugh it Up
If you can laugh together, you can survive anything.

Always Be Validating
Having your partner listen, appreciate, and understand you speaks to a basic need for connection. It’s okay to disagree, as long as you respect each other.

Stop Obsessing Over Who Wins
When couples respect each other, they can accept not being right in favor of maintaining a healthy balance. Successful couples choose their battles, knowing that closeness can sometimes be more satisfying than being right.

Make Time for Self-Care
Don’t just take care of your spouse; look after yourself. That means exercising regularly, eating well, getting enough sleep, and making regular doctor and dentist appointments. Investing in yourself and your own well-being shows your partner that you want to be at your best for them.

Pay Attention to the Little Things
For couples who have mutual respect, small gestures are second-nature. A simple love note, a slightly longer hug or kiss goodbye can make your partner feel validated and appreciated.

Give One Another Space
It’s important to be supportive and engaged with your spouse. But you also can’t hover over them and try and solve all their problems for them. Have enough faith in each other to know when to step back and let them handle something on their own.

Billionaires Behaving Badly

Think your neighbor’s a pain in the butt? Check out this story!

Billionaire Bill Gross accused of blaring ‘Gilligan’s Island’ theme song on loop at his neighbor

By Jazmin Goodwin, CNN Business

Updated 2:35 PM ET, Tue October 27, 2020

bill gross pimco settlement cnnmoney_00002019

New York (CNN Business) Bond billionaire Bill Gross is involved in a legal battle with his tech entrepreneur neighbor over a $1 million sculpture and allegations that Gross blasted the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song on a loop from his house.

Gross, the co-founder of investment firm PIMCO, and his partner Amy Schwartz installed a large lighted glass art installation on their Laguna Beach property along the property line shared with their neighbors, Mark Towfiq, CEO of data center development company Nextfort Ventures, and his wife Carol Nakahara, according to a lawsuit filed by Towfiq and Nakahra. Gross and Schwartz then installed larger poles and a protective net above the installation, and Towfiq and his wife allege the art installation partially blocked their ocean views.

After several months of unsuccessful attempts to discuss the matter with Gross, according to Towfiq and Nakahara, they filed a complaint with the city of Laguna Beach in June. The complaint prompted an investigation by the city that determined the installation, netting and lights were a violation of city code and did not have the proper permits, according to the lawsuit.

Shortly after, Towfiq and Nakahara allege Gross began retaliating against them by harassing and disturbing them with “loud music and bizarre audio recordings at excessive levels” during various hours of the day and night — including pop or rap music, and often a series of television theme songs, according to the lawsuit, including the “Gilligan’s Island” theme on a loop.

Gross and Schwartz sued Towfiq first — on October 13. Towfiq and Nakahara filed their own suit the next day, on October 14. Gross accused Towfiq of “peeping” on him and Schwartz, and Gross’s lawsuit asks for a temporary restraining order, according to court documents. Towfiq and Nakahara’s lawsuit alleges Gross and Schwartz executed a “targeted campaign of harassment and abuse” that ensued after a dispute over an art sculpture installation in Gross’ property.”Mr. Towfiq has harassed and invaded the privacy of Mr. Gross and his life partner Amy Schwartz,” said Jill Basinger, the attorney who represents Gross, in a statement to CNN Business. “We reluctantly brought a complaint against the defendant because of his unneighborly behavior, which goes back many years within this community and with other neighbors.”Basinger called Towfiq “bullying” and “vindictive,” and said he has “been the aggressor toward Mr. Gross and Ms. Schwartz.”

But Towfiq and Nakahara’s lawyer said the opposite.”Mr. Gross is an entitled billionaire who is used to getting his way by bullying coworkers, family and neighbors,” said Jennifer Keller, the attorney who represents Towfiq, in a statement to CNN Business. “Gross filed his own complaint merely as a preemptive strike after learning my clients intended to seek relief from the court.”The couple alleged Gross and Schwartz’s actions were attempts to get them to drop their complaint with the city. During one incident, when Towfiq “respectfully requested” the music be turned down, Gross responded, “Peace on all fronts or well [sic] just have nightly concerts big boy,” Towfiq’s complaint alleges.Towfiq’s complaint says the alleged abuse was so distressing that it forced Towfiq and Nakahara to leave their home and stay elsewhere. The two were granted a temporary restraining order on October 16.

Gross and Schwartz have lived at their Laguna Beach property since 2018 and typically stay at their home during the weekends, Towfiq’s lawsuit states. Towfiq and his wife have lived at their home since 2009. A hearing is scheduled for November 2, representatives for both Gross and Towfiq said. The hearing is to determine if civil harassment restraining orders will be issued.Gross has been given an extension until November 16 to obtain the proper permits. He is “in the process of getting it permitted,” according to Gross’ lawyers.

In 2014, Gross said he was fired from PIMCO, the firm he co-founded in 1971. He filed a lawsuit against the company in 2015 for wrongfully removing him, in which both parties reached an $81 million settlement in 2017.Gross has an estimated net worth of $1.5 billion, according to Forbes.

Correction: An earlier version of this story incorrectly stated when the restraining order against Gross took effect. It took effect on October 16.

Adipose Rex

Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who’s the fattest bear of all?

Today kicks off Fat Bear Week, which for whatever reason I find endlessly amusing. Maybe because “fat” is such a loaded word in human terms but completely endearing when it applies to animals?

Get ready to vote, my friends. The portly pairs of bears will face off in multiple elimination rounds as they lumber forward to the finals. Who will be crowned “Most Corpulent”? Will it be pulchritudinously hefty Holly, last year’s champion? (Good golly, Miss Holly, you sure like to eat!) Or 747, who takes gorging to new heights? Or another full-bellied bruin? Oddsmakers are betting 1000 pounds of salmon on a surprise waddling-in-from-behind winner. I’ll be waiting with baited breath.

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Jibes, Barbs and Slurs

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words ….

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this
wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx

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The Idiot and the Odyssey

People have long speculated that there might be intelligent life on other planets. The implication being there is intelligent life on THIS planet, something that is becoming increasingly difficult to demonstrate, especially in these so-called United States, which a moment ago I typed as the Untied States, which is a far more apt description.

Exhibit A:

Today, the Environmental Protection Agency (hah) refused to regulate a chemical found in rocket fuel that can contaminate water and contribute to fetal damage. The policy acknowledges that exposure to high levels of perchlorate can cause I.Q. damage despite deciding not to regulate it.

Sounds as though these clowns have already been drinking gallons of the stuff.

Exhibit B:

The chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee (oxymoron alert) stepped down a day after F.B.I. agents seized his cellphone as part of an investigation into whether he sold hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of stocks using nonpublic information about the coronavirus.

Wait: He thought it was safe to discuss his stock buys on his cell phone??

Exhibit C:

I have to thank the brilliant Ellen Hawley (Notes from the U.K.) for calling this to my attention: London’s Transport Secretary is urging people to use public transport while admitting he wouldn’t use it himself. (Actually, that may be a sign of intelligence these days.) Moreover, maintaining the recommended social distancing on a bus would result in approximately enough room for six passengers plus the driver.

Which would require 10 times as many buses to service a normal rush hour.

Going out on a limb here, I’m guessing New York would face a similar dilemma. And exactly how is anyone planning to fund 10x as many buses?

Oh, they aren’t.  They’re going to let the folks who need to use public transportation rather than chauffeurs crowd on in and take their chances.  Heck, it’s the price you pay if you’re older/poorer/etc., isn’t it?

Back to the intelligent life part, which started me down this rabbit hole.  I was reading this morning — an important element of my daily procrastination schedule — that there might be life on one of Jupiter’s moons.

If they don’t have politicians, I’d say they’re ahead of the game.

photo of parking for aliens only signage

Photo by James Lee on Pexels.com

 

 

 

Good News Monday: Tales from the Dark Side

They say laughter is the best medicine. (And possibly our only one until we get a reliable vaccine.) Luckily, this pandemic has some upsides. Let’s call them “coronadvantages”:

  1. Crime deterrent:  Only a fool would break into a house without knowing if its inhabitants were infected. Plus, they’re probably home
  2. Ivanka’s shoes (made in China) might finally go out of business
  3. You now have the perfect excuse to avoid just about anything
  4. West Coasters have something to take our minds off worrying about The Big One
  5. There’s no shame in being a hypochodriac
  6. Terrorists may think twice:  No large gatherings = no large targets
  7. Your neighbors will stop hosting loud parties
  8. Working in pajamas
  9. Alcohol kills germs; ergo, vodka surely has medicinal properties
  10. A new appreciation for canned goods
  11. It’s far less likely your significant other will cheat on you

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