Tag Archives: funny

The Idiot and the Odyssey

People have long speculated that there might be intelligent life on other planets. The implication being there is intelligent life on THIS planet, something that is becoming increasingly difficult to demonstrate, especially in these so-called United States, which a moment ago I typed as the Untied States, which is a far more apt description.

Exhibit A:

Today, the Environmental Protection Agency (hah) refused to regulate a chemical found in rocket fuel that can contaminate water and contribute to fetal damage. The policy acknowledges that exposure to high levels of perchlorate can cause I.Q. damage despite deciding not to regulate it.

Sounds as though these clowns have already been drinking gallons of the stuff.

Exhibit B:

The chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee (oxymoron alert) stepped down a day after F.B.I. agents seized his cellphone as part of an investigation into whether he sold hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of stocks using nonpublic information about the coronavirus.

Wait: He thought it was safe to discuss his stock buys on his cell phone??

Exhibit C:

I have to thank the brilliant Ellen Hawley (Notes from the U.K.) for calling this to my attention: London’s Transport Secretary is urging people to use public transport while admitting he wouldn’t use it himself. (Actually, that may be a sign of intelligence these days.) Moreover, maintaining the recommended social distancing on a bus would result in approximately enough room for six passengers plus the driver.

Which would require 10 times as many buses to service a normal rush hour.

Going out on a limb here, I’m guessing New York would face a similar dilemma. And exactly how is anyone planning to fund 10x as many buses?

Oh, they aren’t.  They’re going to let the folks who need to use public transportation rather than chauffeurs crowd on in and take their chances.  Heck, it’s the price you pay if you’re older/poorer/etc., isn’t it?

Back to the intelligent life part, which started me down this rabbit hole.  I was reading this morning — an important element of my daily procrastination schedule — that there might be life on one of Jupiter’s moons.

If they don’t have politicians, I’d say they’re ahead of the game.

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Photo by James Lee on Pexels.com

 

 

 

Good News Monday: Tales from the Dark Side

They say laughter is the best medicine. (And possibly our only one until we get a reliable vaccine.) Luckily, this pandemic has some upsides. Let’s call them “coronadvantages”:

  1. Crime deterrent:  Only a fool would break into a house without knowing if its inhabitants were infected. Plus, they’re probably home
  2. Ivanka’s shoes (made in China) might finally go out of business
  3. You now have the perfect excuse to avoid just about anything
  4. West Coasters have something to take our minds off worrying about The Big One
  5. There’s no shame in being a hypochodriac
  6. Terrorists may think twice:  No large gatherings = no large targets
  7. Your neighbors will stop hosting loud parties
  8. Working in pajamas
  9. Alcohol kills germs; ergo, vodka surely has medicinal properties
  10. A new appreciation for canned goods
  11. It’s far less likely your significant other will cheat on you

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Gift Ideas When Money Is No Object

While you’ve been agonizing over finding the perfect gifts, this post is sure to inspire a giggle or two.  It kinda gives new meaning to the phrase “insanely rich”.  Enjoy!

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

Good News Monday: There’s Always Something

Strictly speaking, this may not qualify as “good news” but it’s too entertaining to pass up. Found on a random site that specializes in sensational stories.

Huh? Was the Snickers bar IN the bar? Keep laughing this week… it’s good news for your health!

How To Avoid Fighting During a Move

You can’t! Arguments are inevitable; just accept it.

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We’re currently in packing hell, surrounded by boxes, bubble wrap and furniture that suddenly grew three sizes when we weren’t looking.

To minimize the inevitable stress that arises when two strong-willed people want to do things their own way, I’m attempting to adopt these 10 simple rules:

  1.  Start every day by saying that no matter how much your partner will irritate you in the hours ahead, you love and forgive them in advance.
  2. Limit your fights to once per day.
  3. Tell your partner they’re right, no matter how idiotic their suggestion is.
  4. Work in different parts of the house.
  5. Don’t roll your eyes.
  6. Have two tape rollers, markers and other materials so you’re not waiting impatiently for the other person to finish putting their box together.
  7. Shower early and often.
  8. Ruthlessly donate anything and everything you don’t want to pack. And…
  9. Encourage your partner to get rid of ugly crap from another life, ideally without identifying it as “ugly crap”.
  10. Drink heavily at 5:00 or as soon as practical (some days, this could be lunchtime).

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Scenes From a Derm Convention

Much as I dislike having my yearly skin check, I always enjoy chatting with my dermatologist, especially about the crazy things women (it’s mostly women) will do in our mostly futile attempts to defeat the march of time.

She had me laughing during my otherwise unpleasant squamous surgery with the following report.

Dr. D had recently attended a dermatology conference.  She said you could tell at a glance what everyone’s specialties were.  The cosmetic derms all had the age-indeterminate, inflated look you get when you have unlimited access to fillers, Botox and multiple procedures. Designer clothes, Jimmy Choos and Birkins were de rigueur. She observed a lot of air kisses with this group; a vigorous hug could potentially squash an implant or two.

Dr. D says about cosmetic work, “Never make the critical mistake of only looking at the mirror straight on.” We need to know how we look from all angles, lest we resemble a blowfish in heat.

In contrast, the doctors involved with serious medicine such as reconstruction for burn victims had the slightly distracted look of people who wished they were somewhere else.  They greeted each other with firm handshakes; no frivolous air kisses for these folks.

One of the lectures dealt with a client whose complaint was that her labia were uneven. (One wonders how she knew that.)  In any event, she’d had cosmetic surgery to repair the issue — I forgot to ask whether one side was inflated or the other side deflated. Next visit! But as Dr. D says, “If you’re with a man who loses interest at the point he can tell that your labia are uneven, you have much bigger problems!”

Finally, here is one of my favorite anecdotes:

One of Dr. D’s clients tried Botox and complained that it “didn’t work” and that she didn’t look any different. Her husband told Dr. D in confidence, “You’ve saved our marriage.”

Apparently, every time the poor man offered a suggestion about where to have dinner or something equally benign, his wife would scowl at him. To avoid an argument, he’d usually change the subject.

Now that she doesn’t scowl, he continues talking and is amazed how often she will be receptive or even agree with him!