Tag Archives: funny

How To Avoid Fighting During a Move

You can’t! Arguments are inevitable; just accept it.

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We’re currently in packing hell, surrounded by boxes, bubble wrap and furniture that suddenly grew three sizes when we weren’t looking.

To minimize the inevitable stress that arises when two strong-willed people want to do things their own way, I’m attempting to adopt these 10 simple rules:

  1.  Start every day by saying that no matter how much your partner will irritate you in the hours ahead, you love and forgive them in advance.
  2. Limit your fights to once per day.
  3. Tell your partner they’re right, no matter how idiotic their suggestion is.
  4. Work in different parts of the house.
  5. Don’t roll your eyes.
  6. Have two tape rollers, markers and other materials so you’re not waiting impatiently for the other person to finish putting their box together.
  7. Shower early and often.
  8. Ruthlessly donate anything and everything you don’t want to pack. And…
  9. Encourage your partner to get rid of ugly crap from another life, ideally without identifying it as “ugly crap”.
  10. Drink heavily at 5:00 or as soon as practical (some days, this could be lunchtime).

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Scenes From a Derm Convention

Much as I dislike having my yearly skin check, I always enjoy chatting with my dermatologist, especially about the crazy things women (it’s mostly women) will do in our mostly futile attempts to defeat the march of time.

She had me laughing during my otherwise unpleasant squamous surgery with the following report.

Dr. D had recently attended a dermatology conference.  She said you could tell at a glance what everyone’s specialties were.  The cosmetic derms all had the age-indeterminate, inflated look you get when you have unlimited access to fillers, Botox and multiple procedures. Designer clothes, Jimmy Choos and Birkins were de rigueur. She observed a lot of air kisses with this group; a vigorous hug could potentially squash an implant or two.

Dr. D says about cosmetic work, “Never make the critical mistake of only looking at the mirror straight on.” We need to know how we look from all angles, lest we resemble a blowfish in heat.

In contrast, the doctors involved with serious medicine such as reconstruction for burn victims had the slightly distracted look of people who wished they were somewhere else.  They greeted each other with firm handshakes; no frivolous air kisses for these folks.

One of the lectures dealt with a client whose complaint was that her labia were uneven. (One wonders how she knew that.)  In any event, she’d had cosmetic surgery to repair the issue — I forgot to ask whether one side was inflated or the other side deflated. Next visit! But as Dr. D says, “If you’re with a man who loses interest at the point he can tell that your labia are uneven, you have much bigger problems!”

Finally, here is one of my favorite anecdotes:

One of Dr. D’s clients tried Botox and complained that it “didn’t work” and that she didn’t look any different. Her husband told Dr. D in confidence, “You’ve saved our marriage.”

Apparently, every time the poor man offered a suggestion about where to have dinner or something equally benign, his wife would scowl at him. To avoid an argument, he’d usually change the subject.

Now that she doesn’t scowl, he continues talking and is amazed how often she will be receptive or even agree with him!

While I Ponder a New Topic…

I thought you’d enjoy these lists of creative insults.

Use freely the next time someone ticks you off (I’m looking at YOU, “premium” mail delivery forwarding, which has apparently lost an entire week’s worth of mail — currently sitting in godknowswhereTexas instead of winging its way to Oregon. GACK!)

LIST #1  https://www.romper.com/p/21-hilarious-old-fashioned-insults-to-bring-back-because-vintage-jokes-are-so-hot-rn-49809

LIST #2  http://www.smosh.com/articles/old-timey-insults-we-should-bring-back

LIST #3  https://www.inc.com/melanie-curtin/13-ancient-insults-that-should-be-brought-back-immediately.html

Apparently, I’m onto something; look up “old fashioned insults” and you could spend the entire day doing research!

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photos from pixabay.com

 

 

 

 

 

Snark Attack: There’s No Such Thing As a Stupid Question

Wanna bet? Here are some of my favorites:

“Does it hurt?” I’m in the emergency room with blood pouring out of me. What do you think?

“Did you find everything?” If I’m already at the register, what do you suggest if I didn’t? Alternatively, “Did you find everything you were looking for?” Such as world peace, thinner thighs, true love, the hair I used to have??

“Would you like fries with that?” Duh.

“Have you eaten here before?” Unless the restaurant is wildly different from any other restaurant, what possible difference could it make?

“Would anyone care for a cocktail?” Do we LOOK like teetotalers?

“Is everything wonderful?” Usually asked when your mouth is full. If you haven’t sent it back, it’s probably fine. Possibly not worthy of superlatives, but edible.

“Does this make me look fat?” There is only one possible answer.

“Do you love me?” Again, only one possible answer.

“Do you have any regrets?” Who, past the age of 8, hasn’t done something they regret?

“Am I your first?” This one’s a trap, folks. Yes means you’re a naïve innocent nobody wanted before; no means you’re a slut.

“Your place or mine?” Yours — because if you’re a dud I can go home. If we’re at my place I might never get rid of you.

“Do you want to know a secret?” With all due respect to The Beatles, who doesn’t? Similarly, “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” Why on earth would I tell you that?

“Is it mine?” We’re both white and the baby’s black. What are the odds?

Which leads me to…

Classic Howlers

Check out this link. I particularly like “How am I sure I’m the real mom of my kid?” The writer is asking because the baby doesn’t look like her but looks like her husband; she’s scared he was cheating on her with another woman. You have to read it to believe it.

This one’s funny, too.

What are your favorite dumb questions? (Besides this one.)

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Images from pixabay.com

Traveling With Others/Business Edition

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In the rest of life you can choose your travel companions. A business trip is more of a crapshoot, some crappier than others. Do these descriptions remind you of any of your co-workers?

It’s All About Me. This person schemes ahead to make sure they get the best airline schedule/hotel room/seat assignment/you-name-it… even if they are junior to the rest of your group. WTF?

IAAMs often have menu demands that have nothing to do with food allergies or legitimate needs. “Instead of French fries I want twelve organic Zanzibar zucchini spears; ¼” thick, blackened but not burnt, no salt, just a dusting of imported turmeric.” Expect this to be sent back to the kitchen regardless.

The Road Hog. Ever had to ride with a really terrible driver who insists on doing all the driving while flipping the bird and swearing at anyone who passes him, oblivious to the gun rack on the other guy’s vehicle?

The Loudmouth. With or without alcohol, the LM manages to alienate everyone in the vicinity by screeching at the top of her lungs on a continual basis. It’s even worse if you’re traveling internationally — because we really need to reinforce that Ugly American stereotype, right?

 The Expense Account Cheat. I don’t know if people still get away with this, but I can remember several occasions when co-workers justified personal items as business “necessities”.  Like you need designer sunglasses because you left yours at home? C’mon. It’s raining.

The Dawdler. No matter how important the presentation, meeting, shoot or whatever, this individual keeps everyone else waiting. ‘Cause you’re not stressed enough already?

Rude-y, Rude-y, Rude-y. He snarls at the waitstaff, desk clerk, cab driver. You stare at the ceiling, hoping nobody will think you’re together.

Forgetful Frank (or Felicia). You gave them the list. You checked it twice. They still managed to leave a critical part of the presentation back in the office. Now it’s ten minutes ’til showtime and you are frantically texting your assistant to e-mail you the document you need before you make an utter ass of yourself.

The Leech. You have a precious few hours of downtime. Your colleague clings to you like plastic wrap. Is he timid? Lonely? An inexperienced traveler? Do you honestly give a s***?

Ethelred The Unready. They have one job to do. You have gone off to take an urgent call from your boss. You return to discover that they a) revealed the one thing they weren’t supposed to reveal, b) didn’t get the crucial shot and now the film crew has moved on to a new location, or c) agreed to an impossible timeline which forces you to backpedal  and convince everyone that the necessary delay is their own idea.

Mr./Ms. GrabAss. “Oooh, we’re out of town. Of course you want me to hit on you even though you’ve never shown the slightest interest before.” They’re THAT irresistible? Mmm, no.

Happy trails!

Saving and Spending

A fun article; hope you can access it since some Wall Street Journal pieces are behind a firewall:  https://graphics.wsj.com/image-grid/OD50Spring2018/

And one on truly excessive excess, courtesy of my dear friend and fashion maven, SH.  Would be perfect for a certain President I can think of….

https://www.retaildive.com/news/retail-therapy-the-loo-uis-vuitton-is-here-to-flush-100k-down-the-toile/521780/

Hope you’re all having a great weekend! xo, A