Tag Archives: humor

Life Skills for the One Percent

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A friend of a friend is the ex-wife of a billionaire, and told my friend she was signing up her pre-teen children for a “Life Skills” class. I almost spit out my decaf, imagining the following curriculum:

  1. How to boil water
  2. What to do if your phone dies (subtitled: How to Read 101)
  3. Defensive budgeting (e.g., how to pre-empt someone wearing your exact same outfit)
  4. Closet organization: by color, Birkin size, European vs US brands, etc.
  5. What exactly is “cleaning”?
  6. How do you remedy a too-hot frappuccino?
  7. How to hail a taxi or call an Uber when your chauffeur is MIA
  8. When to economize by flying First Class
  9. What not to say to millionaires and other poor people
  10. How to avoid eating in non-Michelin restaurants
  11. Why do people stand in line?
  12. How to tie your shoes
  13. What is the difference between a pot and a pan?
  14. What breed of pet looks best on your Insta feed?
  15. What is a grocery store and why does anyone go in there?
Photo by Mido Makasardi u00a9ufe0f on Pexels.com

Planet Non Sequitur

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I recently purchased a necklace online that I didn’t like and immediately returned.

Here was their emailed reply:

Your recent return gave us some ideas

Sorry this wasn't the one!

Returned: Link Chain Collar Necklace

Our picks for the perfect jewelry 

MAISON FRANC Baccarat Rouge 540 Eau de Parfum $325

KIEHL’S INC. Creamy Eye Treatment with Avocado $60

CONVERSE Chuck Taylor® All Star® Lift High $75

LANCÔME Définicils Defining & Lengthening $34

WTF? If I’d purchased a necklace, wouldn’t even the most rudimentary autogenerated response recommend a different necklace? WHY would I be looking for perfume or mascara?!

The mind boggles (again).

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Happy Boxing Day

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You may not know that Boxing Day celebrates the age-old custom of returning unwanted gifts.

I believe it originated in Victorian England, after Queen Victoria received one too many antimacassars, taxidermy birds, and snuff boxes.

In modern times, it is mainly observed by Amazon.

Many happy returns!

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

A Food Rant

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With apologies to Francois Villon (who was already nostalgic on his 30th birthday–?!), “Where are the fortune cookies of yesteryear”?

When we were growing up, fortune cookies contained actual fortunes. My favorite, which I saved for years, was “You will inherit money and jewelry.” The cookie was not to know that in my mother’s declining years her caregiver helped herself to all the jewelry that was in the house: our mother, in the “wisdom” of her 90s, having long since removed everything from her safe deposit box. 

Admittedly, it wasn’t my taste and for various reasons I doubt I’d have seen so much as a lone earring, but still….

I digress. Today’s cookies are not only generally flavorless, the messages are either personal assessments (“You are the life of the party!”) or advice (“Do not hide your feelings. Let others know where you stand.”). To add insult to injury, when my husband and I ordered in Chinese food a couple of weeks ago, we both got the SAME fortune! Is that lazy or what?!? Who writes these things?!

Has this happened to you? Is it a national/regional/local phenomenon? Inquiring minds need to know.

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Good News Monday: The New Healthy Eating

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I was happy to read that the Mediterranean diet, newly repurposed as the MIND diet, is said to help prevent dementia. To no one’s surprise, it emphasizes fresh fruit and veggies, whole grains, olive oil, fish, etc.

I can’t help wondering, though, why no one is touting the MINDLESS diet, which has been proven to help prevent depression.

This classic meal plan, first discovered during those critical, formative teenage years, is equally helpful in attaining mindless hedonism in adulthood. Its key components are:

  • 1 bag of chips per day
  • 1 pint of ice cream twice weekly (do not substitute ice milk or frozen yogurt); extra benefit from additions such as chocolate chips, fudge, and salted caramel
  • 2 cocktails per evening
  • 1 bottle of wine per dinner (serves 2)
  • French fries (actually, fried anything)
  • Include plenty of fresh bread, cookies, pies, cakes and pastries
  • Level up to vegetable stir fry or tempura – so much more festive than raw or steamed veggies
  • Remember the 3 P’s: Pasta, Potatoes, Pizza
  • At least monthly: savor an ample cheese board with brie, goat cheese, Stilton, cheddar (may substitute grilled cheese on buttered bread as desired)
  • Dessert twice daily, preferably with whipped cream
Photo by Teejay on Pexels.com

Enjoy! With the world in the mess it’s in, we need all the comfort food we can get

Valentines, and Other Commercial Holidays

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I’m not a big fan of manufactured holidays that are all about overpriced flowers, chocolate, restaurant meals, and other so-called expressions of devotion.

Instead, may I propose a few alternatives:

Pizza Day: Celebrating one of the great food inventions of the century

Good Hair Day: Get out and about, knowing you look amazing

Junk Food Day: Pick your poison and indulge without judgement

Trashy Novel Day: Curl up with something absolutely superficial

I-Found-My-Keys Day: (Includes those reading glasses located atop one’s head). Celebrate by going somewhere you’d otherwise have to walk to

Favorite Movie Day: In our house, this is a multi-month tradition, with Dear Husband insisting we watch Four Weddings and a Funeral, Casablanca, or North by Northwest every time he spies them

New Socks Day: Does anyone know why socks always wear out at the heel, even expensive ones? Argh.

I’m-Really-Not-Sick-Sick Day: ‘Nuff said.

Manicurist Day: Doesn’t he or she deserve special recognition for keeping us presentable?

Purge Day: Clean your closets, toss or donate your crap, and then buy something new and fabulous

Happy Valentine’s Day to you, dear readers! xoxo

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This ‘n That

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Happy New Year, everyone!

January is the time for resolutions, so these are my fashion promises to myself, inspired by the ever-delightful Lady Sarah’s blog:

  1. I will not save my “good” stuff for special occasions; I will create opportunities to use and enjoy them
  2. I will purge my wardrobe of items I don’t wear, except for things I will wear when I:
  3. Lose those pesky pandemic pounds
  4. I will avoid sale temptation, unless it’s something I truly need and would buy at full price
  5. I will not kid myself that something that looks fabulous on a 20-year-old model or “influencer” will look the same on a septuagenarian

Abruptly changing topics:

Recently, friends got rid of their massage chair because it made “weird” noises. I immediately wondered: “Weird, how? Did it moan, or what?!” And can we expect similar commentary from other home items, e.g., a burping refrigerator, a computer that shrieks when it reveals our bank balance, a coffee machine that gets progressively louder if one drinks too much caffeine??

The mind boggles. Time to rearrange my closet.

Quit While You’re Behind

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Liz Truss, the UK prime minister, has resigned after only 45 days. While she’s been roundly criticized for her policies, I believe she should be applauded for reminding us of something important: Cutting Your Losses.

Would that more politicians would quit once they’ve passed their sell-by dates, rather than clinging barnacle-like to constituencies they barely serve.

And what about those everyday jobs employing people who are totally unqualified? (I’m looking at you, nameless installer of bathroom cabinets with unevenly-spaced handles that have to be replaced.) Or truly bad cooks. Or the talentless actors who survive on bit parts hoping for the big break that never comes. Surely, those folks have other talents and would be happier and better-suited to other positions.

This also goes for bad relationships. Admit failure — or even chronic dissatisfaction — , CYL and walk away.

Thanks, Liz, and good luck in your next career.

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Quickly’s Believe It or Not

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Whew, dear readers. After weeks of inactivity (blog-wise, that is) I have recently noticed more and more “can this be true?” events in the world.

You’ve probably seen the news story of actress Anne Heche driving out of control and hitting some unlucky woman’s house, causing it to burst into flames and destroying all of her possessions.

While Ms. Heche’s subsequent intubation and mental health issues may deserve sympathy too, here’s what has me shaking my head: WHY does the woman whose house was crashed into need a GoFundMe page to get her life back together, rather than millionaire Ms. Heche’s family immediately offering to pay what’s necessary??

And on a different note (literally), I was driving the other day and an old Eric Clapton song, “I can’t stand it” came on the radio.

My question: Who on God’s green earth would EVER cheat on Eric Clapton?!?

The mind boggles.

When Bad Bread Happens to Good Restaurants

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I hope this is not a new trend. In recent weeks, Dear Husband and I have eaten at two excellent restaurants with truly inferior bread. What gives??

First up, Toulouse — a lovely French/Creole place in Seattle, where one would expect to find good sourdough or certainly an acceptable baguette. Instead, we got flabby structure and squishy crust; mon Dieu!

Then, last week, a local place on the Oregon coast — the Bay House — which has a relaxing ambiance, superb service, and beautiful food (see below) — with this notable exception. Hey, if it’s too humid, pop the loaf in an oven to crisp it up! I’m tempted to bring my own sourdough next time. Think they’d mind?

At the Bay House, DH’s beet salad starter was a work of art
As was my halibut— those green shapes are pea purée

Bread lovers of the world, unite! And what’s your pet peeve when eating out, dear readers?