Wanna bet? Here are some of my favorites:
“Does it hurt?” I’m in the emergency room with blood pouring out of me. What do you think?
“Did you find everything?” If I’m already at the register, what do you suggest if I didn’t? Alternatively, “Did you find everything you were looking for?” Such as world peace, thinner thighs, true love, the hair I used to have??
“Would you like fries with that?” Duh.
“Have you eaten here before?” Unless the restaurant is wildly different from any other restaurant, what possible difference could it make?
“Would anyone care for a cocktail?” Do we LOOK like teetotalers?
“Is everything wonderful?” Usually asked when your mouth is full. If you haven’t sent it back, it’s probably fine. Possibly not worthy of superlatives, but edible.
“Does this make me look fat?” There is only one possible answer.
“Do you love me?” Again, only one possible answer.
“Do you have any regrets?” Who, past the age of 8, hasn’t done something they regret?
“Am I your first?” This one’s a trap, folks. Yes means you’re a naïve innocent nobody wanted before; no means you’re a slut.
“Your place or mine?” Yours — because if you’re a dud I can go home. If we’re at my place I might never get rid of you.
“Do you want to know a secret?” With all due respect to The Beatles, who doesn’t? Similarly, “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” Why on earth would I tell you that?
“Is it mine?” We’re both white and the baby’s black. What are the odds?
Which leads me to…
Check out this link. I particularly like “How am I sure I’m the real mom of my kid?” The writer is asking because the baby doesn’t look like her but looks like her husband; she’s scared he was cheating on her with another woman. You have to read it to believe it.
This one’s funny, too.
What are your favorite dumb questions? (Besides this one.)
About 90% of women develop lumpy, bumpy “orange peel” tissue on our hips, thighs and butts at some point in our lives, often due to hormones, poor lymphatic circulation and other factors like plain bad luck. (Men get it too, but may not care as much!)
It all happens within the fat just below the skin’s surface, a.k.a subcutaneous fat. Bands of fibrous tissue connect the top later of skin to deeper tissues. When fat deposits push through the connective tissue, you get those characteristic little pockets or dimples. Ugh.
Help’s on the way, though I can’t personally attest to their effectiveness.
See Your Derm
A treatment called Cellfina was FDA approved in 2015 and is said to be minimally invasive. A numbing cream is applied before a needle-thin blade cuts the fibrous bands under the skin with little or no bleeding. Most effective for the butt and thighs, patient satisfaction is quite high: In one clinical study, 94% of patients were still happy with the results after two years and 93% were still happy three years later.
Visit the Spa
Handheld radio-frequency tools liquify enlarged fat cells and promote collagen production. For best results, expect to need multiple treatments over a few months. An acupuncture specialist may recommend cupping, an ancient Chinese method that improves lymph drainage while breaking up fibrous tissue. And regular deep tissue massage can help too.
DYI at Home
A microneedling tool such as GloPro comes with two rollers: one for the face and a larger one for the body. By creating tiny pinpricks in the skin, microneedling stimulates collagen growth, which can minimize the appearance of cellulite. Follow up with a hydrating lotion to smooth things out even more.
I’ve had my GloPro for a year and never thought to try it on my bod. Watch this space!
Do try this at home… when you’re alone! The sight of you in a sheet mask could wilt the ardor of the most enthusiastic suitor.
(Think somewhere between Hannibal Lechter and The Mummy.)
Scary factor aside, I’m addicted to these soft cloths for quick pampering and especially love the ones from Japanese brand SKII.
Reviewers consistently give them high marks for addressing concerns such as:
- Dullness and uneven texture
- Uneven skin tone
- Loss of firmness and elasticity
Admittedly, SKII is pricy, but I can get at least two uses out of each sheet since they’re well saturated. (Definitely worth it to buy the larger quantity and use monthly.)
How They Work
While traditional cream or gel masks sit on the skin and slowly sink in, a sheet saturated in the same active ingredients increases absorption by pushing them in more deeply. Soft cellulose masks including many cost-friendly Korean brands drape over facial contours like a second skin. After you’ve removed the mask, rub in any excess liquid and apply a moisturizer to lock in the treatment.
Always “add” to a mask by layering extra treatments underneath, say the experts. Before you slip under the sheet, prep your skin with any of the following:
- Vitamin C, for general skin brightening and radiance
- Hyaluronic Acid or any hydrating serum, to add instant moisture
- A few drops of oil for dry, jet-lagged or post-sun skin
Lighter textures tend to work more efficiently, as the active ingredients are more easily absorbed into your skin.
Pressing down over the mask – or using a massaging beauty roller — helps the ingredients penetrate the top layer of skin smoothly and evenly.
Chill Out or Warm Up
Store your sheet masks in the fridge, as anything cool will quickly de-puff, smooth and firm up your face, which is ideal first thing in the morning or before an event. Conversely, using a warmed mask helps release tension and relax the face, and can even smooth out expression lines (temporarily of course). Fill your sink with warm water and submerge the packet before opening.
On My Wish List
Charlotte Tilbury’s Instant Magic Facial Dry Sheet Mask sounds intriguing. One reviewer wrote: “Infused with glow-giving, skin-plumping ingredients, the real beauty of these is that you can also wear them over makeup (unless your skin is very oily) to give the most incredible radiance to makeup and an almost porcelain finish to skin.” She suggests wearing the mask for ten minutes over your finished look – even while being driven to a dinner or party, and whisking it off as the car is parked.
Personally, I’m not sure anyone should take the Hannibal Lechter look out in public – wet or dry – but I’ll bet her skin looked fabulous.
In the rest of life you can choose your travel companions. A business trip is more of a crapshoot, some crappier than others. Do these descriptions remind you of any of your co-workers?
It’s All About Me. This person schemes ahead to make sure they get the best airline schedule/hotel room/seat assignment/you-name-it… even if they are junior to the rest of your group. WTF?
IAAMs often have menu demands that have nothing to do with food allergies or legitimate needs. “Instead of French fries I want twelve organic Zanzibar zucchini spears; ¼” thick, blackened but not burnt, no salt, just a dusting of imported turmeric.” Expect this to be sent back to the kitchen regardless.
The Road Hog. Ever had to ride with a really terrible driver who insists on doing all the driving while flipping the bird and swearing at anyone who passes him, oblivious to the gun rack on the other guy’s vehicle?
The Loudmouth. With or without alcohol, the LM manages to alienate everyone in the vicinity by screeching at the top of her lungs on a continual basis. It’s even worse if you’re traveling internationally — because we really need to reinforce that Ugly American stereotype, right?
The Expense Account Cheat. I don’t know if people still get away with this, but I can remember several occasions when co-workers justified personal items as business “necessities”. Like you need designer sunglasses because you left yours at home? C’mon. It’s raining.
The Dawdler. No matter how important the presentation, meeting, shoot or whatever, this individual keeps everyone else waiting. ‘Cause you’re not stressed enough already?
Rude-y, Rude-y, Rude-y. He snarls at the waitstaff, desk clerk, cab driver. You stare at the ceiling, hoping nobody will think you’re together.
Forgetful Frank (or Felicia). You gave them the list. You checked it twice. They still managed to leave a critical part of the presentation back in the office. Now it’s ten minutes ’til showtime and you are frantically texting your assistant to e-mail you the document you need before you make an utter ass of yourself.
The Leech. You have a precious few hours of downtime. Your colleague clings to you like plastic wrap. Is he timid? Lonely? An inexperienced traveler? Do you honestly give a s***?
Ethelred The Unready. They have one job to do. You have gone off to take an urgent call from your boss. You return to discover that they a) revealed the one thing they weren’t supposed to reveal, b) didn’t get the crucial shot and now the film crew has moved on to a new location, or c) agreed to an impossible timeline which forces you to backpedal and convince everyone that the necessary delay is their own idea.
Mr./Ms. GrabAss. “Oooh, we’re out of town. Of course you want me to hit on you even though you’ve never shown the slightest interest before.” They’re THAT irresistible? Mmm, no.
A fun article; hope you can access it since some Wall Street Journal pieces are behind a firewall: https://graphics.wsj.com/image-grid/OD50Spring2018/
And one on truly excessive excess, courtesy of my dear friend and fashion maven, SH. Would be perfect for a certain President I can think of….
Hope you’re all having a great weekend! xo, A