Tag Archives: relationships

Good News Monday: How to Live Longer

[from the New York Times]

An illustration of a person standing in a yoga pose with leaves emanating from different parts of the body; on either side of the person is an infinity loop with various vignettes; the vignettes are a couple on a couch, a person sleeping, a bowl of fruit and a person running.
Credit…Cristina Spanò

By Dana G. Smith

Humans have searched for the secret to immortality for thousands of years. For some people today, that quest includes things like sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber, experimenting with cryotherapy or blasting oneself with infrared light.

Most aging experts are skeptical that these actions will meaningfully extend the upper limits of the human life span. What they do believe is that by practicing a few simple behaviors, many people can live healthier for longer, reaching 80, 90 and even 100 in good physical and mental shape. The interventions just aren’t as exotic as transfusing yourself with a young person’s blood.

“People are looking for the magic pill,” said Dr. Luigi Ferrucci, the scientific director of the National Institute on Aging, “and the magic pill is already here.”

Below are seven tips from geriatricians on how to add more good years to your life.

The number one thing experts recommended was to keep your body active. That’s because study after study has shown that exercise reduces the risk of premature death.

Physical activity keeps the heart and circulatory system healthy and provides protection against numerous chronic diseases that affect the body and mind. It also strengthens muscles, which can reduce older people’s risk of falls.

“If we spend some of our adult years building up our muscle mass, our strength, our balance, our cardiovascular endurance, then as the body ages, you’re starting from a stronger place for whatever is to come,” said Dr. Anna Chang, a professor of medicine specializing in geriatrics at the University of California, San Francisco.

The best exercise is any activity you enjoy doing and will stick with. You don’t have to do a lot, either — the American Heart Association recommends 150 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week, meaning just walking a little more than 20 minutes a day is beneficial.

The experts didn’t recommend one specific diet over another, but they generally advised eating in moderation and aiming for more fruits and vegetables and fewer processed foods. The Mediterranean diet — which prioritizes fresh produce in addition to whole grains, legumes, nuts, fish and olive oil — is a good model for healthy eating, and it’s been shown to lower the risk of heart disease, cancer, diabetes and dementia.

Some experts say that maintaining a healthy weight is important for longevity, but to Dr. John Rowe, a professor of health policy and aging at Columbia University, that’s less of a concern, especially as people enter old age. “I was always more worried about my patients who lost weight than my patients who gained weight,” Dr. Rowe said.

Sleep is sometimes overlooked, but it plays a major role in healthy aging. Research has found that the amount of sleep a person averages each night is correlated with their risk of death from any cause, and that consistently getting good quality sleep can add several years to a person’s life. Sleep appears to be especially important for brain health: A 2021 study found that people who slept less than five hours a night had double the risk of developing dementia.

“As people get older, they need more sleep rather than less,” said Dr. Alison Moore, a professor of medicine and the chief of geriatrics, gerontology and palliative care at the University of California, San Diego. Seven to nine hours is generally recommended, she added.

This goes without saying, but smoking cigarettes raises your risk for all kinds of deadly diseases. “There is no dose of cigarette smoke that is good for you,” Dr. Rowe said.

We’re starting to understand how bad excessive alcohol use is, too. More than one drink per day for women and two for men — and possibly even less than that — raises the risk for heart disease and atrial fibrillation, liver disease, and seven types of cancer.

Nearly half of American adults have hypertension, 40 percent have high cholesterol and more than one-third have pre-diabetes. All the healthy behaviors mentioned above will help manage these conditions and prevent them from developing into even more serious diseases, but sometimes lifestyle interventions aren’t enough. That’s why experts say it’s critical to follow your doctor’s advice to keep things under control.

“It’s not fun to take the medications; it’s not fun to check your blood pressure and check your blood sugar,” Dr. Chang said. “But when we optimize all those things in a whole package, they also help us live longer, healthier, better lives.”

Psychological health often takes a back seat to physical health, but Dr. Chang said it’s just as important. “Isolation and loneliness is as big a detriment to our health as smoking,” she said, adding that it puts us “at a higher risk of dementia, heart disease, stroke.”

Relationships are key to not only living healthier, but also happier. According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, strong relationships are the biggest predictor of well-being.

Dr. Rowe tells the medical students he teaches that one of the best indicators of how well an elderly patient will be faring in six months is to ask him “how many friends or family he’s seen in the last week.”

Even thinking positively can help you live longer. Several studies have found that optimism is associated with a lower risk of heart disease, and people who score highly on tests of optimism live 5 to 15 percent longer than people who are more pessimistic. That may be because optimists tend to have healthier habits and lower rates of some chronic diseases, but even when accounting for those factors, the research shows that people who think positively still live longer.

If you had to pick one healthy practice for longevity, “do some version of physical activity,” Dr. Moore said. “If you can’t do that, then focus on being positive.”

Love Bandits

AI helps scammers steal thousands from those looking for love online

[from StudyFinds.com]

Photo by ThisIsEngineering on Pexels.com

Artificial intelligence could be targeting you on texts, social media and dating apps.

Some victims lost thousands of dollars to people they thought were real women but turned out to be fakes. The people behind the scheme were stealing their cash and hearts.

“Hey, hey honey, you’re the best,” says a woman who may look real to some, but two security experts say the video is heavily filtered, with unnatural eyes and the chin blending into a neck.

Jim, who asked us to not use his last name, had recently been talking to a woman who convinced him to make an investment.

“And then one day she’s like, ‘Honey, I love you’, and I’m like ‘What?’ and she goes, ‘I have fallen in love with you’. And I said, ‘Well, I’m old enough to be your dad.’ And she said, ‘Well, that doesn’t matter. We have a lot in common,'” he said.

She also sent photos and what appears to be a sketch of herself and Jim together.

Jim initially met her after getting a mysterious text message. He thought they had a friend in common. He said he wasn’t looking to date.

“She goes, ‘I’ve never met anybody to be my equal. You and I have a super lot in common.’ And she’s had an uncle who was on the board for the stock exchange in Hong Kong,” said Jim.

He was convinced to send $60,000 to invest in the stock exchange. He said he lost most of it because the investment tanked. Then, the woman opened up an overseas crypto account in his name, but when Jim tried to take that money out, he was going to be charged thousands in upfront tax fees. Experts say it’s a scam.

“I figured, ‘What the heck, I’ll try somebody online. It couldn’t hurt’. I was wrong, it could,” Jim said.

Another suburban man, also named Jim, was duped by fake photos as well. He asked us not to show his face.

“I’m asked literally everyday by two or three women online, for money,” he said.

He was looking for love online and instead lost thousands of dollars sending gift cards to the people behind these fake and altered photos. He thought the women holding up love messages to him were interested.

“I would say she probably got about $2,000. One day, she got $300 for air fare, $250 for babysitter and $50 for her kids’ game cards or maybe even $100,” he said.

Security and technology experts at Bitdefender and NordVPN studied all of the pictures and videos. They say behind this filtered face could be anyone.

“We miss micro emotions or movements in in the face, so it does, does not feel exactly right,” said Adrianus Warmenhoven of NordVPN.

They confirmed that the pictures and videos are all fake or altered in some way.

“You usually see that hair is not natural. Either it has this halo effect, or it blends into a different color. There are artifacts where the hair meets the background the hair looks little thick,” said Bogdan Botezatu of BitDefender.

Experts also spotted generated faces on bodies and different shaped hands, like the hands holding up those signs saying “I love you, Jim.”

“Those pictures and that handwritten notes which actually were not handwritten,” said Warmenhoven.

The words are likely computer generated. Experts say you should also look for uneven tooth shapes or earrings that look unusual.

“But AI cannot render them symmetrically in a good enough manner. So one of the earrings will be missing, or will have a different size,” Botezatu added.

Dating experts say another red flag is a romance that moves too fast.

“You go from one text to three weeks later or three random texts that they love you, or they want to know more about your family, so they’re taking all your information and kind of calculating how much money you have,” said Lisa Galos of Matchmake Chicago.

Scammers may also be use texting apps instead of a real phone number, so if you meet someone online, try meet in a safe, public place soon after.

“If you really are sincere about dating that person, go from that to let’s meet for coffee, offer three times they can meet, they’re gonna pick one and they’ll show up,” Galos said.

Both men say they’ve learned to never trust strangers with their finances no matter how convincing the stories or pictures may be.

“I’m much smarter than this. And it’s just my desire to have somebody in my life, finally, that made me really do something that was stupid and let somebody take advantage of me, I’ve never done that before,” Jim admitted.

AI scammers may also use endearing terms like “babe” and “honey” instead of your real name, because they are using the same messages for multiple people.

Unfortunately these types of romance scams, with or without AI, have gotten worse. Recent numbers from the Federal Trade Commission shows $1.3 billion was lost in 2022.




Relationships: Fight Right

A photo illustration of a couple standing on one of the cards in a pyramid; a white speech bubble is substituted in for one of the cards.
Credit…Illustration by Nicolás Ortega; Photograph by Getty Images
Jancee Dunn

By Jancee Dunn, New York Times

8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner, According to Therapists

Having a fight? “You’re overreacting” will only make it worse.

A friend of mine, a couples counselor, stopped by to see me after a long week. She sank into my couch, closed her eyes and said: “You know what phrase I wish I could ban couples from saying? ‘I never said that.’”

It was a sentence, my friend told me, that she heard almost every week. And once someone said it, the whole session would usually devolve into an argument about what the person did or did not say.

This made me wonder about other phrases therapists wished couples would stop saying during conflicts.

Here are their candidates, why we should avoid them and what to say instead.

“You always …” and “You never …” These terms are often exaggerations, and they don’t acknowledge any efforts your partner is trying to make, said Kier Gaines, a licensed therapist who works with individuals and couples in Washington, D.C.

And your partner might get defensive, he added: “So you’re not even having a problem-solving conversation anymore. You’re just going into full-blown argument mode.”

Instead of delving into the past, make an effort to stay in the present. “When you go back into history, it turns the conversation into a different thing,” Gaines said. Focus on the problem at hand, he added. (You might say, I’m noticing that you’re not helping to pick up after the kids; here’s why it’s bothering me.)

“Yes, but …” Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University and the author of “Love Every Day,” said she hears this phrase all the time. One person will voice a concern, and the other will agree — then add a caveat. (“You were 10 minutes late,” one person might say. The other might respond: “Yes, but you were late last week.”)

Using the word “but” implies that “‘it was kind of perfunctory for me to honor your concern, but really, I don’t understand it or validate it,’” Dr. Solomon said.

Instead of mounting a defense, she said, reflect your partner’s words and feelings. Try saying something like, “What I’m hearing from you is …”

“You should be more like _____.” Comparing your partner with someone else is “never, ever a great strategy,” Gaines said.

“I see it a lot: ‘Well, Danny takes his wife on a date three times a month,’” he continued. “Danny is a different person. His partner is a different person. You can only be who you are.”

Playing the comparison game can lead to jealousy, Gaines said, and “breed a lot of issues with self-image and self-confidence and self-esteem within a relationship.”

“This was never an issue in my other relationships.” This verbal bomb “really chips away the trust and security that you have with your partner,” said Wonbin Jung, a therapist in Silicon Valley who specializes in treating L.G.B.T.Q. couples. “The hidden message that I hear as a therapist is, ‘The problem that we have in this relationship is because of you.’”

Keep other people out of it, Gaines said, and concentrate on talking about your own needs. This can make you feel more vulnerable, but it’s much more productive.

“You’re overreacting.” No one person is “the actuary of emotional responses,” Dr. Solomon said. One person does not get to determine which reactions are appropriate, she said, adding that this phrase is often used to bypass accountability.

Instead of judging, said Dr. Solomon, you can say, “‘OK, I’m listening. Tell me more. Help me understand what you’re having a hard time with.’”

“Calm down.” Urging your partner to take it easy almost always has the opposite effect, Dr. Jung said. “It’s like oil in a fire. So is, ‘You’re crazy.’”

If one partner is agitated, or both are, Dr. Jung usually advises them to take a short break and cool down.

Or, Dr. Jung said, you can ask your partner, “What do you need right now?” (Maybe it’s to be helped, heard or hugged.)

“It’s not that big a deal.” When you say that one of your partner’s concerns is not serious, it’s belittling and inaccurate, Gaines said. “You can’t measure how something feels to someone else,” he added. “You have no frame of reference. You can’t make that call.”

Instead, Gaines said, respectfully acknowledge that you have different perspectives. Then ask your partner to help you understand why an issue is important, and offer whatever support you can give.

Gaines told me that his wife, Noémie, is neat and organized, while he is not. Once, he said, he left a crusty bowl of oatmeal in her freshly cleaned sink; she jokingly accused him of “trying to destroy” her.

My husband and I have a similar dynamic. After I heard Noémie’s line, I used it on my husband when he left a pungent pile of his cycling gear on the floor.

“You always make me laugh,” he said. (That’s the good kind of “you always.”)

Chutzpah*

This morning I received an email that leaves me speechless.

Nearly twenty years ago, my son’s friend suddenly and tragically developed lower-body paralysis that left him unable to walk. Of course, friends and family rallied around, donating time and money to help.

Since then, “C” has held down a steady job and gotten married. His wife works. His single mother continues to work and has an excellent income. This woman, someone I considered a friend in those years, pointedly dropped contact after I remarried, moved out of state, and ceased being “useful”. I haven’t heard from her in thirteen years. We are both on FaceBook and my birthday is two days before hers, so I know her lack of contact — even annual birthday wishes — is deliberate. Even when I’ve sent birthday wishes to her.

Back to this morning, when I received a group letter FundMe-type request to contribute to the cost of a new, $80,000 wheelchair-accessible van for the son, who is now nearly 40. WTF?!?

I am biting my lip and fingers to avoid sending her a blistering email in return, but am inclined to simply ignore it.

What would you do?

*”chutzpah” — roughly pronounced “hoots-pah”,ˈho͝otspə,ˈKHo͝otspə”, is a Yiddish word meaning nerve, gall, audacity, supreme self-confidence, and conspicuous boldness.

Photo by Frank Cone on Pexels.com

Valentines, and Other Commercial Holidays

I’m not a big fan of manufactured holidays that are all about overpriced flowers, chocolate, restaurant meals, and other so-called expressions of devotion.

Instead, may I propose a few alternatives:

Pizza Day: Celebrating one of the great food inventions of the century

Good Hair Day: Get out and about, knowing you look amazing

Junk Food Day: Pick your poison and indulge without judgement

Trashy Novel Day: Curl up with something absolutely superficial

I-Found-My-Keys Day: (Includes those reading glasses located atop one’s head). Celebrate by going somewhere you’d otherwise have to walk to

Favorite Movie Day: In our house, this is a multi-month tradition, with Dear Husband insisting we watch Four Weddings and a Funeral, Casablanca, or North by Northwest every time he spies them

New Socks Day: Does anyone know why socks always wear out at the heel, even expensive ones? Argh.

I’m-Really-Not-Sick-Sick Day: ‘Nuff said.

Manicurist Day: Doesn’t he or she deserve special recognition for keeping us presentable?

Purge Day: Clean your closets, toss or donate your crap, and then buy something new and fabulous

Happy Valentine’s Day to you, dear readers! xoxo

Photo by Muffin Creatives on Pexels.com

Sadder, yes. Wiser, maybe.

A woman I know, owner of her own business, single mother of two, and a kind, cheerful, truly good person, has just had her heart broken. And it makes me really angry.

“Lynn”, who hadn’t dated anyone for five years, met the man in question online. Normally, this could be a red flag in itself, but one of her clients vetted him through her own company, and Lynn proceeded to get to know “Ted” over the course of nine months, discovering a lot in common, making plans, and developing a deep connection.

Ted apparently worked for a shipping company and was posted overseas. The couple FaceTimed daily from his location, which seems to be legitimate. It all fell apart a week ago when he was due to return to the US and visit her, at which point he suddenly stopped returning calls and text messages.

Is Ted married? One would think so: someone away from home who thought an innocent flirtation would help pass the time? Or is he a sociopath who constructed an elaborate web of lies, replete with fake background images? It doesn’t matter.

I’m sad that this lovely woman is hurt, embarrassed, and feels humiliated. She says, “At 50, I should know better.” I tried to assure her that trusting someone and assuming the best doesn’t make you a fool, it makes you normal. How would we navigate life if we were always suspicious and cynical? Easier said than done, though, right?

I told Lynn a bit of my own story: an ex-husband who lied, stole, cheated, and stole some more, all without one bit of regret. Luckily, one divorce and four years later at age 58, I finally connected with the right person. Being trustworthy is, in my opinion, the single most attractive characteristic a partner can have. The rest is gravy.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Quit While You’re Behind

Liz Truss, the UK prime minister, has resigned after only 45 days. While she’s been roundly criticized for her policies, I believe she should be applauded for reminding us of something important: Cutting Your Losses.

Would that more politicians would quit once they’ve passed their sell-by dates, rather than clinging barnacle-like to constituencies they barely serve.

And what about those everyday jobs employing people who are totally unqualified? (I’m looking at you, nameless installer of bathroom cabinets with unevenly-spaced handles that have to be replaced.) Or truly bad cooks. Or the talentless actors who survive on bit parts hoping for the big break that never comes. Surely, those folks have other talents and would be happier and better-suited to other positions.

This also goes for bad relationships. Admit failure — or even chronic dissatisfaction — , CYL and walk away.

Thanks, Liz, and good luck in your next career.

Photo by Kate Gundareva on Pexels.com

From the WTF Department

As I was cleaning out old photos on my phone I came across this gem.

Any ideas for captions? To get the ball rolling…

“Dear Ex, good riddance!”

“That was some storm!”

“Worst Amazon delivery ever!”

Have a great week, everyone!

To Breed or Not to Breed

A couple of weeks ago, I wandered down a blog rabbit hole reading a post and responses concerning the author’s dilemma of whether or not to have a third child.

The comments were sensitive and thought-provoking, relying on various writers’ personal experiences and larger ethical questions, such as: Is it selfish to bring more children into a world where profound climate change threatens to create an uninhabitable future for the next generations?

Set against the current debates on Roe v. Wade, the decision whether to have children at all is increasingly fraught.

It is, of course, both a deeply personal and mostly unknowable decision with no ”right” answer. Some of the women had yearned for children and wished they’d had more before their biological clock stopped ticking. Others admitted that parenthood involved more sacrifice than they’d ever expected. Which isn’t to say they regretted or resented having kids, though some might have, but it was not exactly what they’d envisioned.

Having struggled to balance a demanding career with raising two kids— on my own after my divorce when they were young teens— I know it’s not a simple choice. And that it’s not for everyone, regardless of what your friends, family, or well-meaning co-worker tells you. Or, frankly, your spouse, unless they are the sort of person who is guaranteed to cook, clean, change diapers, do at least 50% of the work, and take over when it all becomes too much to handle.

The only person who should decide what you truly want is you. Letting anyone else pressure you either way will just lead to resentment.

As someone who is not particularly patient, and who likes things done the way I want them done, I could easily have forgone the parenting experience. And not because I don’t love my kids, which I do, but because I would have been a happier person if I hadn’t been stretched so thin.

I do know this: parenthood is hard. Kids get sick, get hurt, require a lot of attention for the first two decades, change your marriage (not always for the better), and come into the world with their own personalities which may not be the mini-me you envisioned. And how would you handle serious illness or disability— theirs or yours? Or becoming a single parent?

For anyone on the fence, I’d say you will be ”ready” when you feel that any and all obstacles are less important to you than not having kids. If you thrive on order and control, the chaos implicit in having children will be profoundly stressful, no matter how much money you can spend on childcare. Kids are messy, unpredictable, and not for everyone. I know an awful lot of people who never had children and don’t regret it.

Another litmus test: What’s your ideal pet? A cat, which can be happily left on its own? A dog that needs frequent walks, lots of attention, and rewards you with unconditional love?

Or no pets at all?

Photo by Julia Filirovska on Pexels.com


The Fine Art of Not Meddling

Do any of you watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? One of the current storylines reminded me of a long-forgotten (subconsciously buried?) episode in my own life.

In the show, Joel’s interfering mother keeps trying to set him up with a “nice, appropriate, Jewish girl”, while he is secretly dating medical student Mei Lin, whose parents are the landlords of his Chinatown nightclub.

Flashback.

It was the 70s. I was in my early twenties, living in Manhattan, and had been seriously dating a Canadian artist for about a year who was not remotely Jewish and therefore not even borderline acceptable to my parents as a potential suitor despite his charm and talent.

My mother– never the most open-minded of people — opposed him sight unseen and started a campaign to “help” me come to my senses. This mostly took the form of not-so-subtle hints and comments. Then, one day, she learned that a neighbor’s father was in the hospital and his doctor was single and Jewish. Jackpot! My mother, never having met the man herself and knowing nothing else about him, told her neighbor to give the doctor my phone number — needless to say without my permission — even though she knew I was in a relationship.

I was livid. But it wasn’t the poor guy’s fault, so when he called I agreed to meet him for coffee.

Was he Prince Charming? Not in the least. I found him unattractive, timid, too old, and boring, and we had nothing in common except the same religion. I daresay he was not drawn to me either.

Ultimately, the artist and I broke up — for reasons having nothing to do with our families. But I’d learned my lesson: Keep my private life private unless I wanted to endure a boatload more unsolicited advice.

As a parent, I know it’s hard to see our kids making choices we feel are wrong for them. But unless their latest love interest is a criminal mastermind or serial killer, it seems wise to stay out of their relationships unless they ask for our opinions.

Who knows? With a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T, they might even listen.

Photo by Hernan Pauccara on Pexels.com