Category Archives: Health

The Eyes Have It: Adventures in Monovision

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When I first got contact lenses in 7th grade and announced ecstatically that I could finally see properly, my mother burst into tears. I remember this primarily because it’s the only sentimental thing she ever did.

Since then, glasses, contacts and post-age-40 reading glasses have been a fact of life and an ever-expanding part of my wardrobe.  If I wear my contacts I can’t see anything smaller than type THIS BIG so I stash reading glasses all over the house, in the car and in at least one pocket.  This also requires the expensive addition of reader sunglasses — also stashed in multiple locations. And yet, I often can’t find a pair.

Although I see best with my regular (progressive bifocal) glasses, they’re a real pain. They get dirty. They stretch and eventually slip off my nose. And they’re heavy enough to break tiny blood vessels in my cheeks if I wear them all the time. Memo: stock up on cover up.

Eventually I’ll probably need cataract surgery and maybe by then science will have a perfect solution. Meanwhile, at my latest annual eye exam, my doctor suggested I try monovision to eliminate the need for readers, which she thought would work better for me than bifocal contacts.

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How It Works

With monovision, you wear a contact lens on one eye to correct your distance vision (aka nearsightedness) and a lens on the other eye to correct your near vision (farsightedness). The distance vision lens is worn on your dominant eye, i.e., the one that sees far away objects better.

The term “monovision” is a bit misleading. After about a week or two, brain learns to merge the two images to (theoretically) let you see clearly at all distances. But each eye will still see best at its own designated correction.

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Plan on Multiple Visits

My eye doctor warned me that it might take multiple visits before landing on the right combination. Meanwhile, as my friend S (who won’t try this) says, I could be walking into walls. I leave with a 10-day supply of trial lenses. Note: you may be charged a higher fitting fee than usual because most people need “tweaking” before the lenses are perfect.

Rx 1: Right eye (distance) same as my normal prescription. Left eye (close up): under-corrected for distance and too blurry for close-up reading. Result: dizziness and lousy vision. Lose-lose.

Rx 2: A different doctor (young and impossibly chic) gives me a thorough exam trying a lot of subtle modifications to get me closer to the best prescription. Results: No change to right eye. Left eye made weaker so close-ups are better, but not great. Still dizzy and not seeing well enough. Feh.

Rx 3 (3 weeks after my initial checkup): Dr. Chic has me try a toric (weighted) lens for the mild astigmatism in my right eye. Upside: distance vision is a little sharper. Downsides: toric lenses are more expensive, thicker, and have to be perfectly positioned. She explains that there is a vertical line on the lens that should be at the bottom when you place it in your eye. After struggling to figure out why the line keeps moving, I realize the next day that there are actually TWO vertical lines – one will be at the top of the lens when the other is at the bottom. This seems unnecessarily complicated.

For the left eye, she gives me an even weaker lens. Now my close-up vision is excellent. Off I go with more test lenses, opting to wait a few days to see if this whole experiment is worth it or if I should just renew my old contacts prescription and stick with reading glasses. After all, I have made a substantial investment in readers at this point!

laptop-1047086_640The Research

What I’ve learned so far: Not everyone is a monovision candidate. Some people find that it compromises the clarity of their distance vision, making far away objects appear slightly blurry. I suspect this is going to be my problem, especially when I’m driving.

For others, monovision doesn’t provide good enough near vision to eliminate the need for readers. That would be pointless, no?

Finally, although the two eyes work together as a team, there can be a slight loss in depth perception. And I’d always need to carry glasses with me in case of an emergency (e.g., getting something in my distance eye and truly not being able to see anything.) If I have to carry glasses, wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier to just wear them?? Plus, they’re never going to fit in a small purse.

All in all, I’m giving this another week. Fingers (and eyes) crossed!

Where to Retire: US Edition

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A friend sent me this helpful guide the other day. Author unknown.

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1.  You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2.  You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4.  You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5.  You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6.  The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where…

1.  You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2.  The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3.  You know how to eat an artichoke.
4.  When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5.  The four seasons are:  Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where…

1   You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2.  You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3.  You think Central Park is “nature.”
4.  You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5.  You’ve worn out a car horn.  (IF you have a car.)
6.  You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1.  You only have three spices:  salt, pepper and ketchup.
2.  Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3.  You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4.  Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5.  The four seasons are:  almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6.  The highest level of criticism is “He is different,”  “She is different,” or “It was different!”

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where…
1.  You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2  “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3.  “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4.  Everyone has two first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5.  Everything is either:  “in yonder,”  “over yonder”  or “out yonder.”

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end.

OR

You can move to Colorado where…
1.  You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2.  You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3.  A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.  The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

OR

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…
1.  You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2.  Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3.  You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4.  You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”

OR FINALLY

You can retire to Florida where…
1.  You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.  All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3.  Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4.  Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5.  Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

 

 

 

Resolutions for 2017

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Happy New Year, dear readers! I’m back after a non-vacation “vacation” spent doing errands and waiting for the weather to improve so more could get done. Hopefully your holidays were restful and relaxing, and I hope 2017 brings you peace, happiness, good health and prosperity. (And good riddance, 2016 – you were crap.)

Right now, the TV is full of ads for self-improvement (diet, fitness, financial etc.) to make us all feel guilty about the holiday season’s excesses. In the spirit of making New Year’s Resolutions — an activity I generally resist — here are some of mine:

SPEND MORE time with my favorite people

EAT MORE whole grains and fish

WORRY MORE about things I can actually do something about, and ignore the rest

PAY LESS ATTENTION to crazies on the news

EXERCISE LESS anxiety over issues that are out of my control

COMPLAIN only to people who can fix the problem

SIT ON MY BUTT and watch more sunsets

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Seriously, though, I do want to share that I’ve lucked into a weight loss program (through my husband’s employer) that actually works: Naturally Slim. If you’d like to lose a few pounds or kilos, or have ever dieted with only short-term success , I wholeheartedly recommend their approach.

Naturally Slim is not a diet, there are no special foods or potions to buy, and there are no group weigh-ins or mass flagellations. You simply log on weekly and watch a series of videos that help educate you about different topics to ultimately change your behavior and attitudes toward food. It is remarkably simple, smart and easy.

I’ve lost 17 pounds since mid-September and can tell you enthusiastically that I have never once “dieted”, felt deprived, or found it difficult to stay with the program. I can eat “fattening” foods like pizza or grilled cheese and still lose weight because of when and how I’m eating them. Miraculous! Happy to share more details if anyone’s interested.

Cheers, Alisa

(As always, this is not a sponsored post– I wish it were!)

 

Scents and Sensibility

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Smell is one of our most powerful senses. The scent of vanilla sparks feelings of comfort, associated since childhood with freshly baked cookies. That’s because your olfactory system is directly wired to the limbic center, the emotional “heartland” of the brain. A whiff of perfume may either remind you of something positive – say, April in Provence – or recall the unwanted memory of an ex or toxic co-worker who used to wear that brand.

As we get older, especially after age 70, our sense of smell tends to diminish. Some reasons are physiological but disease, smoking, and exposure to harmful particles in the air also play a role. Losing your sense of smell not only lessens pleasures such as eating, it can be dangerous — if, for example, you can’t smell smoke from a fire or a build-up of natural gas.clown-362155_640

By the way, “old people smell” is a real thing, and has nothing to do with cleanliness. That grassy or greasy odor, called nonenal, is a natural result of the aging process, resulting from deterioration of the skin’s antioxidant defenses. Both men and women begin producing nonenal around age 40 and hormonal changes such as menopause can make it worse. Since it isn’t water soluble, nonenal stays on the skin no matter how hard you scrub. The good news? You can reduce odor by eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, getting plenty of rest, avoiding stress, not smoking, and drinking alcohol in moderation.

What NOT to do? Overdoing perfume to compensate, especially if you can’t tell how much is too much!

Certain scents are known to improve your sleep, boost your mood, relieve stress and make you smarter.

LAVENDER: Cooperation and Relaxation. A bath or shower with lavender-scented gel can send you off to dreamland. A lavender room spray may “encourage” meetings to run more smoothly. (I’ve tried this, and it may be coincidence but it worked!)lavender-1117275_640

LEMON: Brain boosting. Got a big presentation? A UK study found that cognitive performance and mood improved when wearing participants rubbed lemon balm on the inside of their wrists.lemon-1117568_640

ORANGE: Stress, Anxiety, Digestion. Citrus aromas are often useful for curbing stress and anxiety, as well as helping with nausea and digestion. Massage therapists and acupuncturists at the Mayo Clinic augment therapies with mandarin essential oil. Could work for you, too!orange-15046_640

ROSE: Anxiety. From calming the nervous system to improving mental strength, inhaling a rose scent produces an anti-anxiety effect similar to diazepam.

rose-113735_640SANDALWOOD: De-Stressing. Recent studies have confirmed that this traditional meditative aid and natural sedative also reduces anxiety.

VANILLA: Mood Improvement. There’s a reason we find it so soothing. Scientists have found that this warm, sweet scent activates the limbic system in our brains, conjuring restful emotions and relieving stress and anxiety.

JASMINE: Sleep. This scent increases brain waves associated with deep sleep. That can mean a more restful night and greater alertness the following day.flower-363278_640

GRAPEFRUIT – The Multi-Tasker Studies have shown the women wearing a grapefruit scent were perceived to be much younger than their chronological age. Other evidence suggests that the aroma can help curb depression and enhance memory. And researchers at Osaka University in Japan found that sniffing grapefruit reduces food cravings and boosts metabolism. Maybe that’s why that “grapefruit diet” has been so popular!grapefruit-1647688_640

A few tips about candlescandle-1039538_640

Do you love scented candles, but hate the way they sink down in the middle or leave dark marks on your container or wall? There’s a simple explanation: If the wick gets too long, the flame produces black smoke and the glass your candle’s in can overheat.

Here’s how to get the most from your expensive candles:

  • BURN IT EVENLY: The first time you light your candle, let it burn for two hours to ensure that the top is entirely melted and then put it out. Any hardened wax around the sides will tunnel downwards the next time you light it.
  • TRIM THE WICK: Use a wick trimmer to keep the wick short – only a few millimeters in length.
  • CENTER THE WICK: When you put out the candle (and while the wax is still liquid) re-center the wick. This will prevent it from blackening the container the next time you light it.
  • FIX TUNNELING: If a tunnel begins to form, burn the candle for 30 minutes until the edges are soft, then put it out. Allow the wax to cool a bit; then gently push it down with your finger. Re-light and allow the candle to burn for one to two hours to level the wax.

The Bunion Diaries – First Month

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Now that I’m at one month post-surgery, I can tell anyone who’s contemplating a bunionectomy what to expect. Warning: gnarly photos ahead; not for the squeamish (this means you, dear husband)!!

Day of surgery 

We arrive at the facility at 7 a.m., where the TV in the waiting room is endlessly replaying recaps of last night’s endless presidential debate at top volume. This is one time I would give anything for Keeping Up with the Kardashians or any of the Real Housewives.

I’m prepped, changed into a gigantic dressing gown and stuck with IVs and other stuff to measure my vital signs. My blood pressure is very low (100/70) so I am either actually relaxed or a zombie, not sure. Luckily, hearing Trump did not spike my BP to lasting effect.

We talk to the anesthesiologist, who is extremely thorough and asks detailed questions nobody else has. I see my doc and it’s off to dreamland from about 9 to 12, when I emerge in the usual post-surgical fog. (Note: they use a general anesthetic since they literally don’t want you to move a muscle.)

Here’s my “before” photo. Pretty ugly, I know. That’s why I’m here.

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Once home, I settle into bed with the following:

  • Wedge pillow plus another old pillow under leg to keep elevated (also brought to surgical center for the ride home)
  • Computer and cell phone
  • Glass of 7:1 water/orange juice to stay hydrated
  • Meds and saltines to avert opiate-related nausea
  • Stack of magazines and book (the latest from the excellent Alan Furst)
  • Rented knee roll-about scooter (mine’s a nice shiny red) and crutches for tomorrow.  img_1567

Today’s about resting, following multiple instruction sheets, eating mild food and sleeping. Lots of sleeping.

Day 2

No pain yet so nerve block must still be working. I take pain meds prophylactically every four hours to avoid it though. My main job is to alternate ice on/off every 30 minutes and keep moving my legs and rotating my ankle to prevent blood clots.

I’m not at all hungry until dinnertime, and still in a drug fog most of day. My poor husband has to do all cooking/cleanup/etc. and it’s going to be a long slog until I can contribute.

Day 5

My foot is bandaged like The Mummy, and just about as shapeless.

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I’m now taking ibuprofen only if needed. The pain block (Exparel) lasted 4 days and is a bona fide miracle drug.  Getting around on the scooter is quite a production. It doesn’t have much of a turning radius and I have to keep locking the brake so it won’t slip. Once locked in position, it gives me a secure place to rest my leg.

Crutches require upper body strength so I’m lifting hand weights to help. I can touch down with my operative foot (partial weight is ok) which is better than hopping. But it’s a pretty exhausting way to get around.

I’m officially allowed to shower, which is a multi-step process beginning by removing my safety shoe and encasing my foot in a knee-high plastic bag that looks like a giant condom.

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Funny, I never noticed before how high the “lip” of the shower is; trying to get over it with one leg is quite a challenge. My DH (dear husband) helps lift me in; once in, I’m fine. His back, not so much. We don’t attempt this again– back to sponge baths!

Day 6

My heel and the sole of my foot are quite bruised. I resume taking oral arnica, which I stopped a few days ago, and start applying topical arnica too. Hope this helps.

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First post-op visit

It’s 8 days after surgery. DH drives me and the scooter over to the doctor’s office. His nurse removes the bandages. The top of my foot is swollen and my toes look like fat little sausages. She tells me that swelling can take 6 months to a year to fully resolve. Oh joy. The incision is about 3″ long and is healing well but I can’t transition to a walking boot yet; the bone a little softer than ideal for full weight-bearing so I’ll have to wait and hopefully get the boot next week.

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Week 1: Who are you and what have you done with my ankles?!

I bump up my calcium intake to 600 mg twice a day, having slacked off to once a day during the previous month. (Note to those of you anticipating having this procedure: Make sure to increase weight bearing exercise and check your vitamin D levels well before surgery since vitamin D is needed for calcium absorption.)

Pain is low level but I experience occasional throbbing. Ibuprofen at normal levels (a 200 mg tablet every 4-6 hrs as needed) is helpful. Sleep is more challenging.

By now I have mastered the multi-step shower dance: first, DH places a chair outside the shower so I can use the chair back as support. I ease in and sit on the shower bench and then DH moves the chair so the door can close. You do not want to be in a rush for this one!  If my shower didn’t have a built-in seat this would not work, since I can’t balance on my left heel for the time it takes to shower and do my hair. Best plan is to alternate with sponge bathing for now.

2nd Post Op Visit

Big disappointment at Week Two:  Although everything is healing well, my nice doctor wants me to stay off my foot for another two weeks to be on the safe side. We do not want the pins in there shifting around. Ergo, still stuck with the scooter. On the plus side, my triceps are tightening up from lifting and repositioning the damn thing every few minutes.  And since the incision is almost fully healed, except for a couple of steri strips, I have a new cleaning option (sans giant leg condom): the tub!

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Week 2

This is way easier: position the scooter next to the tub, step in with my good leg, then lower the other one, making sure not to step down. All good.

Weeks 3 & 4

Continue to heal, no pain although bruised areas are still sore, and finally when I see my doctor at Week 4 he lets me transition to a walking boot. It’s very space-age, with a pump to inflate and deflate pressure. Unfortunately, the sole of the boot is 2″ higher than my regular shoe, so I am listing like a drunken sailor. But, I’m ambulatory! BTW, you can order a sort of platform thingy from Amazon called EvenUp. It looks a bit like a snowshoe and adds 1/2″-3/4″ height to your normal shoe or sneaker. My hiking boot is almost the right height so I’m not too uneven for the two days I wait for Amazon delivery.

Week 4

My tasks at home are to exercise the toe by bending it forwards and backwards (ouch) to keep it flexible (3 sets of 10 reps, twice a day) and to cover the scar with ScarAway, a silicone patch you cut to whatever size you need to help prevent and flatten the incision. So far, I’ve taken four baths and it hasn’t budged.

Wrap-up

After 4 weeks I’m still swollen around the ankles as well as the ball and top of my foot (an ace bandage leaves indentations) but I can already see improvement. Best of all, I’m now cleared to drive so I feel much more independent.  Come spring, I might even splurge on some Jimmy Choos!

9 Quick Sleep Tips

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If you’re finding sleep a bit elusive these days, here are some tips I’ve collected this week.

In no particular order:

  1. Have a small amount of milk or plain yogurt before bedtime. The proteins are soothing and will keep you from waking up hungry.
  2. Turn the thermometer down to 66.2 degrees F, which is apparently the optimal sleep temperature.
  3. Read something relaxing for 30 minutes to calm your brain.
  4. Lower all lights as soon as the sun goes down to jumpstart the production of melatonin, the sleep hormone, as soon as possible.
  5. Do some yoga stretches and deep breathing – you can even do these in bed.
  6. Drink a cup of South African red rooibos tea before bedtime. Its medicinal properties are believed to improve restfulness.
  7. Sniff mint every two hours. Peppermint is said to be calming.
  8. Keep a sleep diary to note your natural patterns. It may be perfectly normal for you to take an hour break in the middle of the night as long as you fall asleep again, so don’t let it stress you out.
  9. Drink Montmorency tart cherry juice a couple of times a day. It’s packed with sleep-inducing melatonin as well as antioxidants. In a 2012 study, subjects who drank it for seven days had higher levels of melatonin as well as improved sleep.

Zzzzzz!

The Bunion Diaries (or) The Agony of Da Feet (part one)

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There’s nothing like the word “bunion” to make you feel like an old crone, is there? I used to have really pretty feet. But even though I haven’t worn tight shoes or stilettos in years, heredity has reared its ugly head and created a situation I’m about to remedy.

A bunion, for those of you lucky enough not to have this condition, is a bony bump that forms at the base of your big toe when it pushes against the next toe, forcing the joint to get bigger.

They can develop from wearing tight or narrow shoes, high heels, arthritis or a structural issue, and are typically seen in older adults although I know several young women who have them too.

Experts say there’s no reason to have surgery unless they cause pain. So that left me with a dilemma.

My left foot hurts when I wear most shoes – even flats – for more than an hour, such as when taking a long walk or standing around at a party. But it’s not constant. Still, after a consult last year when my podiatrist said I could wait a little longer, I noticed that the condition was definitely getting worse.

Since there’s no way to reverse the damage without surgery – and because it seems logical to do it before the surgery becomes extremely complicated – I’ve opted to get this done. Wish me luck!

First step, so to speak: I see the nurse, get x-rayed again (oh joy, I am now beginning to develop arthritis in that toe), get my prescriptions and a physical, learn what meds to discontinue, buy a giant waterproof bag to protect my cast after surgery, line up a wheelie thing to scoot around the house afterwards, and worry that I am about to do something drastic that I could avoid if I just wore men’s sneakers for the rest of my life.

There are two kinds of bunionettes in the world: Some women with truly hideous feet flaunt them in sandals and just don’t care. I am not that person. Others won’t wear revealing shoes even if it’s 100 degrees outside. Um; definitely familiar.

Mostly, I would just like to wear normal shoes without pain. And I’d like to avoid the possible complications that arise from an untreated condition, such as bursitis (painful inflammation of tissue in and around the joints), hammertoe (when the toe next to the big toe also begins to bend), metatarsalgia (inflammation in the ball of the foot) and worsening arthritis.

Stay tuned! I will report in next week with all the gory details.

 

If Only My Tracker Could Track…

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I depend on my Garmin tracker to tell me how much I walk every day (usually not enough). And that’s all well and good, but what I really need is a tracker to monitor the life part of life.

Imagine it: A combination shrink, conscience, fairy godmother and enabler that could log how often we fib or ping us when we’re overdue for a brownie.

What I want to know is,

How many minutes per week do I spend on the following activities:

  • Seeing friends (not just virtually)
  • Texting my kids
  • Buying the same item for the third time because I forgot I already have it
  • Reading something actually worth reading
  • Searching for missing socks
  • Procrastinating
  • Saying yes when I mean no
  • Making excuses to telemarketers
  • Checking e-mail
  • Replying to e-mail
  • Deleting e-mail
  • Thinking about ice cream
  • Urging my nails to grow
  • Drinking good wine
  • Yelling at the news
  • Feeling lucky
  • Cooking good food
  • Stalking Colin Firth movies on Netflix
  • Calling someone I haven’t called lately
  • Planning a trip
  • Sitting on my rear end contemplating nature
  • Sitting on my rear end contemplating Masterpiece Mystery
  • Watching hummingbirds
  • Laughing
  • Scheduling a meeting
  • Ditching a meeting
  • Pulling out grey hairs
  • Avoiding a fight
  • Eating junk food

Or is ignorance bliss? Maybe I’ll just go for a walk!

This Bud’s For You

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Now that it’s legal to buy marijuana in Oregon, my husband and I decided to travel down memory lane and check it out. Neither of us was ever a serious pothead but we did indulge from time to time, as did most kids of our generation. We’d been hearing that today’s weed is different from the ditch weed we used to smoke but we had no idea how different.

Back in the 60’s and 70’s the leaves were considered the good stuff; the seeds were basically garbage. Now the buds are what you want; go figure. It feels very strange to buy dope legitimately instead of a furtive deal through a “friend of a friend of a friend”. Turns out, there are five cannabis dispensaries here in Newport, as compared to only one liquor store. The times, they are clearly a’changing!

We settle on the Oregon Coast Dispensary for our maiden voyage – the name OCD seems appropriate – and walk into the tiny storefront feeling every minute of our advanced ages.

OCD

Entering the reception area, we’re met by Justin, a young man who looks about twelve. Before we can enter the sanctum sanctorum to score our weed, Justin has to check our drivers’ licenses. To his credit, he doesn’t fall over laughing when he sees how old we are.

Maybe he thinks we’re hip oldsters! That illusion is quickly punctured when my husband cheerily announces that the last time he smoked weed was in 1978. Justin tells us that’s before he was born. Ouch.

I have marginally more street cred, having last smoked in the early aughts with a guy who had taken me to lunch as part of a job interview and suggested a joint as dessert. (What could I do, turn it down?) I did get the offer, although the job ultimately fell through and my interviewer apparently left the country shortly afterwards in mysterious circumstances. “Under a cloud” was the only explanation I was ever given. I still wonder.

Anyway. Despite our obvious newbie status, we are allowed in the back room. Now the education begins. When I was in college, you bought (or were given) a baggie of weed, got some rolling papers and got stoned. Pretty straightforward.

Whoa – the choices are mind-boggling, and the dope we considered top shelf back then is now bottom of the barrel. Justin gently steers us away from the really powerful stuff; he’s obviously got our number by now.

Some get you giddy and giggly like the old days, munchies and all. Other types are supposed to mellow you out and help you sleep. Still others are for pain management. Some give you a “head” high; others a “body” high. Very confusing, and I’m not even stoned! All menu options are listed on a chart, classified by the amount of various chemicals (THC, CBD) and function. Justin makes lots of enthusiastic suggestions and opens jars for me to sniff.

They all smell like dirt. This, at least, is familiar.

We finally settle on two types that are suitable for beginners; i.e., we will not think we can fly, jump off the back deck and crack our skulls on our neighbors’ patio. We get a gram of Shark Shock, which is supposed to be good for back pain and other old-people ailments, and a gram of Purple Hindu Kush, for nighttime relaxation. Not sure why this is better than single-malt scotch but hey, when in Rome….

Next important decision: how to actually smoke the stuff. Apparently the done thing is to use a pipe. There are little ones that look dangerous – you could singe your eyebrows while lighting up – medium-sized ones, and some large glass pipes.

My husband, Mr. Cool, rejects the biggest one, offering the observation that the large pale pink glass pipe looks like a dildo. Great… just in case we didn’t look like total amateurs….

Transactions completed (cash only!), we stumble out into the bright sunlight with our drugs safely stashed in my purse and our dignity in tatters. It’s perfectly legal to carry less than an ounce but it still feels like the fuzz are going to pull us over at any moment. Strangely thrilling.

THE EXPERIMENT

weed

Night One. Back home, we wait for sunset to light up and choose the Purple Hindu Kush nighttime option. Our medium-sized pipe is hard to light and inhale without dropping bits of our stash all over the porch. (I knew we should have gone with the dildo!)

After fumbling around, coughing and blowing the flames out by mistake, we finally manage a slight buzz. It’s very pleasant – but it sure is a lot more work than pouring something out of a decanter.

Night Two. Our lungs are a little raw but we bravely soldier on in the name of science and smoke some Shark Shock. The next morning my husband says his back doesn’t ache as much as usual. I’m not sure I notice much of a difference.

After further discussion and analysis, we agree that we detest smoking and would rather not charcoal broil our lungs. So now what? Aha – we’ll cook with it!

A little Internet research reveals that our best option is to make something called cannabutter, which we can then put on toast or whatever. First hurdle: all the recipes call for an ounce of weed/a pound of butter. An ounce is 28 grams; we only have 2g.

All is not lost. I find a recipe that uses 2 ounces/2 tablespoons of butter, which I double, under the theory that you can never have too much butter.

Step One: Put the weed on a pan and dry it in the oven at low temp for about an hour. Now our house smells like my college dorm.

Step Two: Boil up some water in a pot, add the butter, add the dried-out dope and let it simmer for another hour. Now the whole neighborhood smells like my dorm.

Step Three: Put the pot-in-a-pot into the fridge to cool. Peel off the butter and store until ready for use.

I think I’m getting a slight high from handling and breathing this in. Or maybe it’s the power of suggestion. Either way, I spend the rest of the day in a vaguely lazy, Sunday-afternoon kind of fog.

A Few Days Later:  Time to test this as an ingestible.  We toast up some sourdough bread, spread a small amount of cannabutter on it, and wait to see what happens. Other than tasting like lawn clippings, the result is subtle, though I do sleep soundly.

Next time, I use a little more of the doctored butter.  Again, only a mild effect. I may not have made it correctly but, to be honest, I’m not sure it’s worth the trouble.

Conclusion: Without the whole counterculture/In A Gadda Da Vida/“Is Paul Dead?” overlay, the experience is more suburban than subversive. Which begs the question, why isn’t this legal everywhere?

Long story short, I’m sticking with Bunnahabhain or a glass of port for the rest of my Summer of Love.

Anyone want a nearly new pipe??

Shopping As an Act of Optimism

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It’s sale season, and that means each time I sit down at my computer I’m bombarded by urgent messages to take advantage of every markdown.

Buy now! Going fast! Last chance!

As I was feeling vaguely annoyed by all the hysteria, it occurred to me that shopping is a profound act of faith. One that has nothing to do with the economy.

Please bear with me.

We buy last season’s markdowns in the belief that we’ll be around to wear them next year.

We buy for the person or size we aspire to be.

We buy for the happy occasion in our future that we plan to attend.

We buy maternity clothes much too early; shoes that await a dinner invitation; the house where we hope to grow old.

Whether we’re shopping for something big or small – the car we plan to keep until it hits 50,000 miles or the coat we buy in October when it won’t be cold until January – it’s with an unspoken confidence that we’ll remain in good health long enough to enjoy it.

Call it our bargain with the universe.

On a rational level, we know we can’t always control our future. But isn’t there something wonderfully hopeful about acting as though we can?

I’ve been thinking a lot about a friend of a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I don’t really know her or what she’s going through but I imagine she’s a lot more focused on actual therapy than on retail therapy.

Still, along with doctor visits, chemo, radiation and all the serious things she has to worry about, I wish she’d do a little shopping.

Not because she necessarily needs a new dress or sexy sandals right this minute. But because I’m optimistic that she’ll be wearing those summer splurges next year, and the summer after that.

And I hope she is, too.

That’s what “shoptimism” is all about.