Category Archives: Fashion

The Eyes Have It: Adventures in Monovision

Leave a reply

When I first got contact lenses in 7th grade and announced ecstatically that I could finally see properly, my mother burst into tears. I remember this primarily because it’s the only sentimental thing she ever did.

Since then, glasses, contacts and post-age-40 reading glasses have been a fact of life and an ever-expanding part of my wardrobe.  If I wear my contacts I can’t see anything smaller than type THIS BIG so I stash reading glasses all over the house, in the car and in at least one pocket.  This also requires the expensive addition of reader sunglasses — also stashed in multiple locations. And yet, I often can’t find a pair.

Although I see best with my regular (progressive bifocal) glasses, they’re a real pain. They get dirty. They stretch and eventually slip off my nose. And they’re heavy enough to break tiny blood vessels in my cheeks if I wear them all the time. Memo: stock up on cover up.

Eventually I’ll probably need cataract surgery and maybe by then science will have a perfect solution. Meanwhile, at my latest annual eye exam, my doctor suggested I try monovision to eliminate the need for readers, which she thought would work better for me than bifocal contacts.

eye-309608_640

How It Works

With monovision, you wear a contact lens on one eye to correct your distance vision (aka nearsightedness) and a lens on the other eye to correct your near vision (farsightedness). The distance vision lens is worn on your dominant eye, i.e., the one that sees far away objects better.

The term “monovision” is a bit misleading. After about a week or two, brain learns to merge the two images to (theoretically) let you see clearly at all distances. But each eye will still see best at its own designated correction.

eye-chart-24489_640

Plan on Multiple Visits

My eye doctor warned me that it might take multiple visits before landing on the right combination. Meanwhile, as my friend S (who won’t try this) says, I could be walking into walls. I leave with a 10-day supply of trial lenses. Note: you may be charged a higher fitting fee than usual because most people need “tweaking” before the lenses are perfect.

Rx 1: Right eye (distance) same as my normal prescription. Left eye (close up): under-corrected for distance and too blurry for close-up reading. Result: dizziness and lousy vision. Lose-lose.

Rx 2: A different doctor (young and impossibly chic) gives me a thorough exam trying a lot of subtle modifications to get me closer to the best prescription. Results: No change to right eye. Left eye made weaker so close-ups are better, but not great. Still dizzy and not seeing well enough. Feh.

Rx 3 (3 weeks after my initial checkup): Dr. Chic has me try a toric (weighted) lens for the mild astigmatism in my right eye. Upside: distance vision is a little sharper. Downsides: toric lenses are more expensive, thicker, and have to be perfectly positioned. She explains that there is a vertical line on the lens that should be at the bottom when you place it in your eye. After struggling to figure out why the line keeps moving, I realize the next day that there are actually TWO vertical lines – one will be at the top of the lens when the other is at the bottom. This seems unnecessarily complicated.

For the left eye, she gives me an even weaker lens. Now my close-up vision is excellent. Off I go with more test lenses, opting to wait a few days to see if this whole experiment is worth it or if I should just renew my old contacts prescription and stick with reading glasses. After all, I have made a substantial investment in readers at this point!

laptop-1047086_640The Research

What I’ve learned so far: Not everyone is a monovision candidate. Some people find that it compromises the clarity of their distance vision, making far away objects appear slightly blurry. I suspect this is going to be my problem, especially when I’m driving.

For others, monovision doesn’t provide good enough near vision to eliminate the need for readers. That would be pointless, no?

Finally, although the two eyes work together as a team, there can be a slight loss in depth perception. And I’d always need to carry glasses with me in case of an emergency (e.g., getting something in my distance eye and truly not being able to see anything.) If I have to carry glasses, wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier to just wear them?? Plus, they’re never going to fit in a small purse.

All in all, I’m giving this another week. Fingers (and eyes) crossed!

Bragging Rights

3 Replies

The other day I was called out in an online forum for daring to suggest that many women’s obsession with Hermès Kelly and Birkin bags is related to their exclusivity and expense. The writer was affronted and claimed that she only loved her Kelly because it “fit [her] style.”

Hmmm; color me skeptical. You can’t tell me that any number of ladylike bags wouldn’t be equally suitable for her life and wardrobe.

There’s nothing wrong with conspicuous consumption or searching out something exclusive, assuming you don’t have to sell a kidney to afford it. But for heaven’s sake, own it — and don’t kid yourself that you’d love “x” just as much if it were widely accessible.

Our collections can include tangible items, knowledge or experiences. Maybe your passion is finding an undiscovered indie band or movie and being the first to tell your friends about it. Or happening upon a gem of a restaurant or a less-traveled exotic destination.

You might seek out limited edition small-batch bourbon, top-of-the-line chef’s knives, up-and-coming artists, or words of wisdom from an obscure philosopher whose works haven’t received mainstream attention. Your ultimate acquisition may even be a handbag with a long history to match its price tag, which makes you feel chic even when you’re in jeans and an old sweater.

Familiarity breeds selectivity as we become better informed and more discerning. We identify ourselves – if only to our secret selves – with descriptors like “foodie”, “fitness guru”, “car maven”, “tastemaker”, “aficionado”, “intellectual”, etc.  — a shorthand for pride in our hard-earned expertise that also resonates with people who share our interests.  Isn’t it human nature to want to blend in and stand out?

I have many indulgences and intend to enjoy what I enjoy — fully, and without apology. It’s all part of the glorious fun of being alive. Still, I try to acknowledge the subtext in any purchase and be honest with the person in the mirror.

That’s what really fits my style.

Ready. Set. Purge.

3 Replies

The 45-minute closet clean up

One of the best ways to clear my head is to clean up my surroundings. It’s a no-brainer to toss the stuff I hate. What’s harder to identify are stealth garments that lurk among my favorites: clothes I used to love but barely wear, items that are serviceable but not exciting, expensive mistakes, and anything that doesn’t quite fit.

Weeding out things that no longer work — whether clothes or noxious elements in your life — can seem overwhelming. So start small. You can do this whole purge in under an hour.  Or if that’s too much, attack just one category a day. Spend 5 minutes on each and be ruthless!

  1. Fixer-Uppers: Broken zipper? Sleeves too long? Put anything that needs to be fixed into a bag. If you don’t take it to the tailor or shoemaker within a week, you’ll know that you don’t love it enough to keep it.
  2. Pants: Do they fit perfectly? Can’t wait to wear them? If you don’t feel attractive, you’ll always pick another pair. The exception: jeans that used to be flattering and are now too tight, but ONLY if you are serious about losing those extra 5-10 lbs. Save one pair and re-evaluate in three months.
  3. Shoes: Too big, small or tight? Gone! Not really your style? Had them for months and still haven’t worn them? Odds are, you never will.
  4. Duplicates: If you own multiples of the same style, only keep the ones you wear the most. Even among five black sweaters, you undoubtedly have one or two favorites. Ditch the rest.
  5. Fill-Ins: Do you have clothes, shoes and accessories that are nice enough but you always gravitate towards something else instead? If you’re not ready to toss them, make a list of the pieces you want to upgrade and when you buy that perfect jacket, shirt or belt, get rid of the fill-in.
  6. Sad Sacks: Underwear, socks, t-shirts…. Throw out everything that’s stained, shapeless, faded or has holes. Check collars and cuffs – that’s where the wear shows up first. Even if you’re only running to the grocery store, why look like a hot mess?
  7. Fantasy Island: If you can’t imagine wearing a particular item or outfit any time in the next year, get rid of it. Exception: your favorite LBD or a timeless designer piece that will always make you look and feel great.
  8. Guilt Trippers: We’ve all had buyer’s remorse after spending a lot (usually on sale) on something we just don’t wear. Donate it to charity and you’ll feel good about yourself instead of guilty.
  9. Old Loves: If you can’t bear to part with something for sentimental reasons, box it up and store it somewhere outside of your closet. Even better: enjoy the memories without letting unnecessary mementos take up precious space.

A final note on fit: Clothes that are too small make us feel like failures. Clothes that are too big make us look frumpy and imply we’re going to backslide.  Limit your wardrobe to fewer items that fit right now. You’ll feel more attractive, confident and in control.

The Bunion Diaries (or) The Agony of Da Feet (part one)

1 Reply

There’s nothing like the word “bunion” to make you feel like an old crone, is there? I used to have really pretty feet. But even though I haven’t worn tight shoes or stilettos in years, heredity has reared its ugly head and created a situation I’m about to remedy.

A bunion, for those of you lucky enough not to have this condition, is a bony bump that forms at the base of your big toe when it pushes against the next toe, forcing the joint to get bigger.

They can develop from wearing tight or narrow shoes, high heels, arthritis or a structural issue, and are typically seen in older adults although I know several young women who have them too.

Experts say there’s no reason to have surgery unless they cause pain. So that left me with a dilemma.

My left foot hurts when I wear most shoes – even flats – for more than an hour, such as when taking a long walk or standing around at a party. But it’s not constant. Still, after a consult last year when my podiatrist said I could wait a little longer, I noticed that the condition was definitely getting worse.

Since there’s no way to reverse the damage without surgery – and because it seems logical to do it before the surgery becomes extremely complicated – I’ve opted to get this done. Wish me luck!

First step, so to speak: I see the nurse, get x-rayed again (oh joy, I am now beginning to develop arthritis in that toe), get my prescriptions and a physical, learn what meds to discontinue, buy a giant waterproof bag to protect my cast after surgery, line up a wheelie thing to scoot around the house afterwards, and worry that I am about to do something drastic that I could avoid if I just wore men’s sneakers for the rest of my life.

There are two kinds of bunionettes in the world: Some women with truly hideous feet flaunt them in sandals and just don’t care. I am not that person. Others won’t wear revealing shoes even if it’s 100 degrees outside. Um; definitely familiar.

Mostly, I would just like to wear normal shoes without pain. And I’d like to avoid the possible complications that arise from an untreated condition, such as bursitis (painful inflammation of tissue in and around the joints), hammertoe (when the toe next to the big toe also begins to bend), metatarsalgia (inflammation in the ball of the foot) and worsening arthritis.

Stay tuned! I will report in next week with all the gory details.

 

The Rites of Fall

5 Replies

Last week totally got away from me. We’d left the cool coastal weather for hot, steamy Austin and resumed normal, non-vacation life – which included discovering a dead car battery, a pool that was neon green, a wonky garage door, physicals, dental visits, haircuts and other end-of-summer transitions.

More than January, September always feels like the true beginning of a new year. For my husband, the return of fall football is his favorite ritual. For me, it’s all about curling up with the big September fashion magazines; the fatter, the better.

Every year, as I flip through the pages, I ask myself: 1) Who would be caught dead in these get-ups? and 2) What, if anything, can I (still) wear?

Stacy London, former host of What Not To Wear, recently wrote an impassioned piece about the challenges — sartorial and otherwise —  of being a woman in a society that doesn’t value aging. It’s hard to evolve your appearance in a way that feels truthful, relevant and flattering.

I’m not about to adopt a style that doesn’t suit me just because a magazine says it’s “in”. But reading about the latest trends gives me fresh perspective on stuff at the back of my closet that could potentially live to see another day, given a tweak or two.

The older I get, the more those “trends” start to seem like classics. Every September, the fashion bibles trot out some version of menswear plaid, Victorian heroine (velvet, lace), preppy chic and Goth black leather. This year, “athleisure” is still going strong and leopard is everywhere.

I’m not yearning for lace or embroidery, and I’ll limit black leather to coats and bags rather than heavy-metal biker outfits. Ah, but animal print? That’s the real me.

I first fell in love with leopard around 7th grade back in the 60’s. (Notice how fabulous Anne Bancroft looks in The Graduate and you’ll know why.) I’ve never stopped wearing it, though most years I confine my leopard obsession to shoes, scarves or other accessories. I’ve also considered giving it up, wondering if I’m too old to be flashy, but then I look at nonagenarian Iris Apfel’s exuberant ensembles and think, hey, who cares?

This year, I’m channeling my inner Kate Moss and looking for a full-on leopard print fake fur coat. It will be too hot in Texas to wear until December but I don’t care. It will keep me fashionably current, appeal to my inner glamour puss, look cool in my closet and add some verve to my dull everyday uniform of jeans and a sweater.

Rituals keep us connected to our history. My husband loves watching football as much as he loved playing the game in high school. And the September magazines remind me that playing with fashion is a way to have fun, feel inspired and reinvent myself – even if it’s only in my own mind.

Shop on!

Shopping As an Olympic Event

Leave a reply

I’ve often wondered why shopping is not considered a legitimate sport. After all, it requires endurance, body contact, focusing on a goal, keeping score and comfortable shoes. Am I right?

In honor of the summer games, and for future consideration by the Olympic Committee, I’d like to propose the following events. On your mark, get set, shop!

 

100-Yard Dash to the Sale Section: Qualifier.

Rugby: How many 8 x 10 carpets can you get the salesman to show you before one of you loses patience?

Boxing: How quickly can you convince the wrapping department in Bloomingdales that you deserve free gift wrap? (World record: 49 seconds)

Dressage: You have 20 minutes to find the perfect cocktail frock for your cousin’s wedding. No black dresses allowed. Go!

Football: Find three pairs of 5” stilettos that don’t kill the bottoms of your feet. Finals: dance in them for one hour. Fewest Band-Aids wins.

Pole Vault: Jump over a line of bulimic women to get to the bathroom first.

Diving: The designer scarf you want is at the bottom of the bin. How quickly can you find it with a minimum of bruises from other bargain hunters?

Decathlon: Race through a department store from underwear to tops to pants to belts to shoes. First person to assemble an entire outfit scores lunch.

Doubles: You hunt for her size; she hunts for yours.

Freestyle: What we all look like when nobody’s watching. Win gold for not wearing sweat pants.

Designer Wrestling: There’s only one Prada bag at 60% off. Snag it and hang on for dear life no matter how fierce your opponent. Extra points awarded if bag is not damaged.

Weight Lifting: Carry your weight in shopping bags from one end of the mall to the other. Repeat twice.

Please add your own suggestions in the comments below. Let the games begin!

Shopping As an Act of Optimism

6 Replies

It’s sale season, and that means each time I sit down at my computer I’m bombarded by urgent messages to take advantage of every markdown.

Buy now! Going fast! Last chance!

As I was feeling vaguely annoyed by all the hysteria, it occurred to me that shopping is a profound act of faith. One that has nothing to do with the economy.

Please bear with me.

We buy last season’s markdowns in the belief that we’ll be around to wear them next year.

We buy for the person or size we aspire to be.

We buy for the happy occasion in our future that we plan to attend.

We buy maternity clothes much too early; shoes that await a dinner invitation; the house where we hope to grow old.

Whether we’re shopping for something big or small – the car we plan to keep until it hits 50,000 miles or the coat we buy in October when it won’t be cold until January – it’s with an unspoken confidence that we’ll remain in good health long enough to enjoy it.

Call it our bargain with the universe.

On a rational level, we know we can’t always control our future. But isn’t there something wonderfully hopeful about acting as though we can?

I’ve been thinking a lot about a friend of a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I don’t really know her or what she’s going through but I imagine she’s a lot more focused on actual therapy than on retail therapy.

Still, along with doctor visits, chemo, radiation and all the serious things she has to worry about, I wish she’d do a little shopping.

Not because she necessarily needs a new dress or sexy sandals right this minute. But because I’m optimistic that she’ll be wearing those summer splurges next year, and the summer after that.

And I hope she is, too.

That’s what “shoptimism” is all about.

L.A. Confidential

1 Reply

After a whirlwind few days in Los Angeles (my husband had a work-related event), it’s nice to be back in Oregon.

The two places couldn’t be more different. So in honor of the recent primary, I’d like to share some observations. In the tradition of all the news shows, the following statistics are entirely made up:

  • Percentage of people wearing flannel shirts in L.A.: 0%
  • Percentage of people wearing flannel shirts in coastal Oregon: 93%
  • Percentage of women in Beverly Hills who have had visible work done: 95.7%
  • Percentage of women in coastal Oregon who have had visible work done: 1%
  • Percentage of men in L.A. who color their hair: 88%
  • Percentage of men in coastal Oregon who color their hair: 0.25% (and only because they accidentally splashed some bleach on it while cleaning the garage)

Beverly Hills in particular is its own little world. It’s always fun to hang out, do a little cultural anthropology (i.e., shopping) and catch up with friends and family in the area. A few weekend highlights:

Discovered a wonderful Italian restaurant I have to recommend to you: Sfixio at 9737 Santa Monica Blvd. in Beverly Hills. We had dinner there on Friday, when the place was uncharacteristically deserted – everyone was apparently glued to their TV watching the NBA playoffs – so it was like dining at a very chic friend’s house whose husband happens to be an incredible cook.

IMG_1172

Mara, the hostess, hails from Milan and her husband, Chef Massimo from Florence, is the gifted visionary in the kitchen. The menu proudly proclaims that the restaurant has no freezer, and you can tell from the bright fresh flavors of the food that everything has been purchased and prepared only moments ago.

We ordered a lot (portions are comfortable but not huge) so we could share everything, including a luscious bottle of wine that Mara suggested. First up, a delicious artichoke salad of thin-sliced baby artichokes (hand sliced by Massimo; no fancy-schmancy mandoline for this purist!) and baby arugula dressed with a light touch of lemon, zingy olive oil and shaved parmegiano reggiano.

Our other appetizer was an eggplant parmigiana that will make you re-think all the gloppy Americanized eggplant parm you’ve ever tasted. Chef Massimo elevates this dish by simplifying its preparation. Super-fresh thin slices of eggplant are tender and flavorful with no hint of bitterness, sauced with beautiful, lightly seasoned crushed tomatoes and a luxurious helping of velvety burrata.

We followed up with a gorgeously fresh grilled branzino and a mixed seafood grill – again, skillfully prepared, deceptively simple and phenomenally delicious. No dessert, just some of Mara’s own homemade limoncello – also fantastic.

I’m no expert or even a serious foodie, but I’ve eaten some great meals around the world and this was one to remember. Can’t wait to return next time we’re in L.A. Check out Sfixio’s reviews on yelp and tripadvisor when you’re in the area.

Above: the wine Mara recommended

Saturday, my husband was working and I had the day to myself. Surprise – I went shopping. One of my favorite things to do in Beverly Hills is roam around the department stores (Neiman Marcus, Barney’s, Saks), marvel at bad wind-tunnel plastic surgery, and eavesdrop on conversations.

The best snapshot of the day – a conversation I heard only part of – consisted of one woman telling her two companions about a couple she’d seen:

“…The bride and groom were on scooters, and they were both wearing Mickey Mouse hats and T-shirts. He had on black socks….” For the rest of the day I wondered if the newlyweds were on their way to the chapel, had actually gotten married in those outfits, or dress like this all the time. And, mostly, were these famous Mouseketeers or just fanatics?

Anyway, back to shopping. I “had” to drop by Hermès to check out scarves (you know how I love my scarves) and spent about two hours prowling around the store and chatting with my completely charming Belgian sales associate, Olivier. Should you be in the market for Hermès anything and happen to be in Beverly Hills, he’s your guy!

IMG_1207

Besides being extremely personable and patient, Olivier shared interesting stories about the brand so I completely justify my shopping as having been an educational experience.

I learned, for instance, that every bag comes with an assigned box and even if it’s dented or imperfect they do not have extras. This is, I assume, a very smart strategy to make sure nobody asks for one and then goes off to sell a replica purse in an authentic box. Olivier also told me that Hermès stores cannot order or ship bags (or anything? I forgot to qualify) unless the products are purchased in store. Every store maintains its own inventory so the sales associate can’t, for instance, look in the system and find you another color somewhere else. Who knew? Good thing there’s a website.

The rest of the weekend was spent socializing, checking out LACMA (the Los Angeles County Museum of Art) and the Getty Museum (both currently have exhibits of Robert Mapplethorpe’s photography including the S&M stuff), visiting with my daughter and her boyfriend who’d just spent time in Ecuador and Peru and, naturally, eating.

Ray’s/Stark at LACMA is quite excellent, especially for a museum restaurant. Check out their salad of black kale, grapefruit, golden raisins, ricotta salata and creamy lemon vinaigrette – or create it yourself at home. (I’m doing that later.)

Sunday night provided an opportunity to catch up with friends in our age group – a casual dinner for four in their art-filled downtown loft. After all the frou-frou of Beverly Hills, it was particularly refreshing to have a no-bullshit, down-to-earth conversation.

You know how when you’re younger, a friend might say, “Your hair looks great”? At our age, my friend says, “I love your hair color”. Because, who are we kidding… there’s no use pretending I come by these highlights naturally!

The conversation inevitably turned to the big issues: retirement, where do we all want to live, aging parents and our travel bucket lists. Our friends are off to Japan and Vietnam next week; after all the rushing around (and fighting L.A. traffic), we were happy to get on a plane and return to the land of flannel.

Old Bags

3 Replies

No, not us of course!! But now that I have your attention, let’s talk about older handbags and how to maintain a long-term relationship with them.

As someone who works from home I don’t crave an extravagant wardrobe, but nice bags have always been my kryptonite. Since I fall in love constantly, I try to hold out for high quality with staying power and resist trendy one-season wonders; plus, I make it a rule to purge at least as much as I splurge.

Why do I love them? Let me count the ways:
1) Bags don’t care what size you are; they always fit
2) They’re a discreet way to schlep your life around with you
3) Good leather feels and smells yummy
4) I’m a sucker for pretty things
5) Some bags even increase in value. More on that later.

Let’s be honest: Everything we put on is a signifier and, like it or not, folks judge us by our appearance. Even demonstrating that you “don’t care” by not wearing makeup or choosing clothes that don’t fit represents a deliberate choice. People who aren’t vain about how they look are still vain about something, e.g., their intellect, achievements, or the belief that it’s better not to seem “superficial”.

In my opinion there’s nothing wrong with vanity unless it’s excessive; it’s a sign of self-respect. So, assuming you’re not taking out three mortgages to fund it, why not treat yourself to whatever gives you pleasure?

Choose wisely. Like great jeans, a black jacket and an LBD, begin with the basics: a cross-body to keep your hands free while doing errands or shopping, a roomy top handle style for business or travel, and a clutch for evening.

Don’t go too young or too old. Backpacks give off a middle school vibe unless you’re under 40 or actually hiking. Conversely, top handles skew matronly so to my eye they look more modern when worn as a counterpoint to casual clothing. However, if you work in an office, a structured bag is always professional. Think “Olivia Pope” with her classic outfits and Prada totes.

If you wear mostly neutrals, consider a bag that adds a jolt of color. You’ll get as much use out of a red bag (which goes with anything) as you will with a safe color like black, and it’s much more interesting.

Keep the relationship fresh. Nothing ruins a look faster than shoes with run-down heels or a bag that’s scuffed, faded, ripped or has lost its shape. If yours needs first aid, your local shoe repair store can usually fix zippers and broken stitches or re-dye a stained bag. For designer bags, ask the store where you purchased it if the manufacturer will repair it.

My favorite rescue strategy is to mail the bag to Leather Spa in New York. They’re not cheap but I’ve seen them work miracles and they’ll give you an estimate before they start.

Have a taste for the exotic? All leathers benefit from regular conditioning and storage (stuffed with tissue to maintain their shape) in their dust bags. If you’re lucky enough to own an ostrich, python or crocodile bag make sure it gets extra TLC.
– For natural or untreated skins, apply a light coat of waterproof spray to protect against dirt and water. Collonil makes a good one; be sure to test a small section first and spray lightly. Soaking the bag can ruin it.
– To avoid dryness, periodically wipe your bag with a slightly damp cloth and apply a conditioner made specifically for exotics. Python is more fragile than other skins.
– Avoid long-term exposure to direct heat or sunlight, as this may cause uneven fading. Exotics also scratch easily.

When to break up. Sometimes you have to move on. Ask yourself if:
– Your bag no longer makes you happy
– It’s in bad condition (cracked, faded, rubbed corners) and can’t be salvaged
– It’s just not your style
– You’ve upgraded to better quality or designers
– You have too much stuff

Time to say goodbye? Consider these options:
1) Give your treasures to a daughter, favorite relative or friend
2) Donate to Goodwill, the Salvation Army, Vietnam Veterans of America, etc.
3) Consign the really good stuff. I’ve had great luck with Ann’s Fabulous Finds and The RealReal and hear positive things about Yoogi’s Closet. All are reputable places to buy as well, if you are interested in a “pre-owned” bag. On the resale market, classic styles from brands such as Hermès and Chanel hold their value and can even sell for more than their original price.

Is it worth it? Finally, for anyone who thinks a high-end purse is a crazy purchase, a recent study says the Hermès Birkin (the collectors’ holy grail at $13K+) has been a better long-term investment than either gold or the stock market!

Luckily for my bottom line—and my ever-tolerant husband—that particular style doesn’t float my boat. I might flirt, but deep down I know it’s only lust. The Bolide, on the other hand, might be true love.

Clothes Encounters of the Male Kind

1 Reply

Left to their own devices, I suspect most men would barely notice what they put on their bodies.

This explains some of the odd items lingering in my husband’s closet: The polyester smoking jacket. The Hawaiian shirt in cheery shades of brown. The pilled sweater circa 1995.

As I’ve stealthily upgraded his wardrobe over the years, I’ve been fascinated by the differences in our fashion philosophies. If these “rules” remind you of anyone, there may be a closet makeover in your future, too!

  1. If it fits, it’s fine. A lot of guys have been wearing the same style of khakis since college. Hell, a few are still wearing the same pair – and are so proud they can fit into them that they’re completely oblivious to the giant rip in the rear end or the ground-in beer stains from frat week ’71.
  1. Avoid clothes shopping. He’d sooner get a prostate exam. And the only thing he hates more is un-shopping. If he buys a shirt that’s two sizes too big or too small he’ll leave it in the back of the drawer growing moss rather than go back to the store to return or exchange it.
  1. Buy cheap, especially if you’ve gained weight. If most of your man’s clothes are labeled Costco, you know what I’m talking about.
  1. The best clothes come from Dick’s Sporting Goods. You may think fan gear is silly; to him it’s sacred, as well as a fashion staple. Moreover, it’s a known fact that if you don’t wear team gear on game day, your team will lose. That simple.
  1. Underwear lasts forever. Whether it’s saggy, full of holes, or the elastic is all stretched out, if he can still put it on, it’s still “wearable”. Ditto, socks.
  1. Stockpile old shoes in case you have to repaint the bathroom someday. That Boy Scout “Be Prepared” thing is drilled into his subconscious. I don’t think they meant six pairs of worn-out loafers, though.
  1. Sweatpants are appropriate for all but the most formal occasions. And if he could wear them to the rehearsal dinner, don’t think he wouldn’t.

Happily, although many men hate shopping, they love receiving gifts. This gives you the perfect excuse to introduce him to natural fabrics, a tie that’s not a military stripe, and something other than a Black Sabbath t-shirt to wear on casual Fridays.

Order jeans and khakis online (stores like The Gap carry a variety of styles and sizes) so he can try them on at home instead of in the dreaded dressing room.

Since most men will avoid twirling in front of a mirror to check out their butts, it’s up to you to tell him what’s flattering and explain why pleats are not his friend. Likewise, why cotton will “breathe” and synthetics will make him sweat faster than getting a letter from the IRS.

Once you’ve stocked up, it’s time to purge. Toss the frayed underpants, moth-eaten slacks and anything with a 5” lapel. Keep the t-shirt from the kid’s alma mater, no matter how beat up it is. One pair of ratty old sneakers should be sufficient for future home improvements.

Soon enough, he will start to appreciate nicer clothing and trust you when you tell him if a particular garment doesn’t look good. And by then, he won’t even notice you threw out the sweater his ex-wife gave him.

Let the intervention begin!