I’ve often wondered why shopping is not considered a legitimate sport. After all, it requires endurance, body contact, focusing on a goal, keeping score and comfortable shoes. Am I right?
In honor of the summer games, and for future consideration by the Olympic Committee, I’d like to propose the following events. On your mark, get set, shop!
100-Yard Dash to the Sale Section: Qualifier.
Rugby: How many 8 x 10 carpets can you get the salesman to show you before one of you loses patience?
Boxing: How quickly can you convince the wrapping department in Bloomingdales that you deserve free gift wrap? (World record: 49 seconds)
Dressage: You have 20 minutes to find the perfect cocktail frock for your cousin’s wedding. No black dresses allowed. Go!
Football: Find three pairs of 5” stilettos that don’t kill the bottoms of your feet. Finals: dance in them for one hour. Fewest Band-Aids wins.
Pole Vault: Jump over a line of bulimic women to get to the bathroom first.
Diving: The designer scarf you want is at the bottom of the bin. How quickly can you find it with a minimum of bruises from other bargain hunters?
Decathlon: Race through a department store from underwear to tops to pants to belts to shoes. First person to assemble an entire outfit scores lunch.
Doubles: You hunt for her size; she hunts for yours.
Freestyle: What we all look like when nobody’s watching. Win gold for not wearing sweat pants.
Designer Wrestling: There’s only one Prada bag at 60% off. Snag it and hang on for dear life no matter how fierce your opponent. Extra points awarded if bag is not damaged.
Weight Lifting: Carry your weight in shopping bags from one end of the mall to the other. Repeat twice.
Please add your own suggestions in the comments below. Let the games begin!