A friend of a friend is the ex-wife of a billionaire, and told my friend she was signing up her pre-teen children for a “Life Skills” class. I almost spit out my decaf, imagining the following curriculum:

1. How to boil water
2. What to do if your phone dies (subtitled: How to Read 101)
3. Defensive budgeting (e.g., how to pre-empt someone wearing your exact same outfit)
4. Closet organization: by color, Birkin size, European vs US brands, etc.
5. What exactly is “cleaning”?
6. How do you remedy a too-hot frappuccino?
7. How to hail a taxi or call an Uber when your chauffeur is MIA
8. When to economize by flying First Class
9. What not to say to millionaires and other poor people
10. How to avoid eating in non-Michelin restaurants
11. Why do people stand in line?
12. How to tie your shoes
13. What is the difference between a pot and a pan?
14. What breed of pet looks best on your Insta feed?
15. What is a grocery store and why does anyone go in there?