Panic in Otter Rock! 100,000 extra visitors are expected to swarm the Oregon coast next weekend where we’ll be Visibility Central. We have one main thoroughfare, which is sure to be bumper-to-bumper, so locals (we summer residents included) have been warned to stay indoors for the duration of the long weekend. Good times.

One worried resident recommends that we padlock the gate between our little development and the neighboring hotel. As if that would deter any would-be miscreants who want to sneak into a community full of retirees.

I’m not sure exactly why she thinks the unwashed hordes are about to descend. To do what? Crash a canasta game? Knock down geezers on their morning walkabout? Trample the brambles? The sky goes dark every day, ‘ya know. Get a grip, people.

To be on the safe side, though, we’re stocking up on necessities: gas, batteries, brie and chocolate. This will require fighting for provisions along with the toothless crackheads who frequent our local grocery store– unless they’re too stoned to know about the Big Event. Luckily we have enough pinot noir to sit out several months of siege.

But what if it’s cloudy/foggy that morning, as it so often is? People who are paying $100 for a parking space are going to be pissed off big time.

Then what?? Riots in the streets? Tacky tee shirts ripped from their hangers? Mugs with “I heart Oregon” smashed to the curbs? Local hazelnuts hurled at the windshields of unsuspecting motorists? Tourists pelted with saltwater taffy? Maybe I should be less blasé.

Still. We’ve got eclipse goggles. We’ve got candles. We’ve got vodka. We can do this.

Just pray for sun.