Sex in the Middle Ages

You know how it’s ok to make fun of your own family but you get defensive when someone else does it? Middle-aged sex definitely has its issues but in my opinion only those of “a certain age” have the right to make jokes. I get really peeved when I see some movie where the old duffer in a bathing suit is played for laughs. Hey, we already know we have cellulite and a flabby butt.

For instance, there’s that post-menopausal “dry as the Sahara” moment, when your head says “Go” and your body says, “Are you kidding me?!” That’s what lubricants—or, as I call them, “sexy juice”—are for. Embrace the sexy juice—it makes the impossible, possible.

Or the contortionist problem: He wants to get exotic. Then his knee gives out. Or maybe his hip. There goes the moment. It’s hard to sustain the fantasy of Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy when you’re thinking you might have to call 911.

Nevertheless, people our age deserve to have sex, do we not? Why? Well, besides being fun, having sex helps maintain a connection with our partner, burns calories, pumps blood to our hearts and helps us sleep better. (And if you’re not in a relationship, that’s no reason to abandon sex – your body needs it, and you can buy a vibrator online if you’re as leery of walking into a sex shop as I am.)

Over time it’s all too easy to take our spouses and partners for granted, becoming friends and ”roommates” and leaving sex in the rear view mirror with memories of “when we were younger”.

True, most of us looked better back in the day. But remember, he looks at least as crappy as you do, and he’s just as insecure. (Then again, he’s a man and probably delusional.) That’s why God invented darkness.

I’m also a fan of “middle of the night” sex when you’re half asleep and way less inclined to be judgmental.

In the other Middle Ages, people believed in the concept of “first sleep” and “second sleep”. When you woke up from deep sleep you’d spend an hour or so writing, praying, having sex or even visiting neighbors before going back to bed. I bet it was really fun when Mrs. Bricklayer next door dropped by to borrow a cup of mead at 2 a.m.

Over time, the second sleep idea fell out of favor. Instead, somebody came up with the idiotic goal of 8 hours’ continuous sleep, which is completely unrealistic once you’ve hit menopause. Or if hubby snores.

Bottom line: when it comes to sex, in the immortal words of Nike, “Just do it”.  It may not be pretty but it’s worth the effort.

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